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Them Old Jokes


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1214 replies to this topic

#1
The Ships Cat

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So being a ships cat I get bored sometimes after a heavy days murdering of rodents and keeping me shipmates happy with a bit of purring and meowing.

 

Now and again I like to visit me other ship born mates and hear their stories, the goats are a bit boring but the ducks are great.

 

My old mate Quack the duck (known him a month, heard he's going in the pot) told me a great story the other day about a visit he made to a pub in old blighty London.

 

Quack the Duck walks into a pub and asks - "Got any bread mate?"

 

Barman - "No"

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No! ... If you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the bar!

Duck - Got any nails mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Good! 

Duck - Got any bread mate?

 

Ooops gotta go, I think the bosuns just thrown himself overboard!

 

Tell us an old joke please, I need something to share with Quack the duck before he goes.

Poor Quack.


Edited by The Ships Cat, 12 October 2014 - 11:20 AM.

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TO THE MEMORY OF TRIM

 

"The best and most illustrious of his race.
The most affectionate of friends,
faithful of servants,
and best of creatures.
He made the tour of the globe, and a voyage to Australia,
which he circumnavigated,

and was ever the delight and pleasure of his fellow voyagers."

 

Written by Matthew Flinders RN in memory of his cat

 


#2
Salty Sea Dog

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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

A cowboy walks into a saloon dressed entirely in paper clothing. He's arrested for rustling.

A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables.
The bartender says, "Look mister, don't try to start anything in here!"

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve faster than light particles in here!"
A tachyon walks into a bar.

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here!"
The room temperature superconductor leaves without resistance.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

A priest, a rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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-Buck

 

Current build: AL Morgan's Whaleboat (1st build)

 

Kits in the ships locker: I cannot confirm nor deny that there may be a few kits in there...


#3
The Ships Cat

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A dog walked into a bar...

 

Nearly killed him...

 

It was an iron bar, stupid dog.


  • Kevin, Harvey, Marcus Botanicus and 1 other like this

TO THE MEMORY OF TRIM

 

"The best and most illustrious of his race.
The most affectionate of friends,
faithful of servants,
and best of creatures.
He made the tour of the globe, and a voyage to Australia,
which he circumnavigated,

and was ever the delight and pleasure of his fellow voyagers."

 

Written by Matthew Flinders RN in memory of his cat

 


#4
CaptainSteve

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Why did the chicken rig the stunn'ails ??


CaptainSteve

 

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#5
bigcreekdad

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My doctor is so honest, when filling out a death certificate for a deceased patient he signed his name under "cause of death".


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#6
mikeaidanh

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A Rabbi buys a new car. The Catholic priest next door buys an identical new car the following day. Then the Rabbi cuts six inches off the priest's car's exhaust pipe.


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#7
bigcreekdad

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What do you do with a dog with no legs....take him for a drag.

 

Pretty sick huh?



#8
mtaylor

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What do you do with a dog with no legs....take him for a drag.

 

Pretty sick huh?

 

You could toss the dog in swimming pool and call him "Bob".


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Mark

"The shipwright is slow, but the wood is patient." - me


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Licorne - 1755 from Hahn Plans (Scratch) Version 2.0

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USS Constellaton (kit bashed to 1854 Sloop of War (Gallery) Build Log
Wasa (Gallery)


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#9
jbelwood

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 The only reason they say "Women and children first" is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr

 

 

003_opt (5).jpg


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#10
CaptainSteve

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What do you do with a dog with no legs....

 

 

Teach him  to "Stay !!"


  • Salty Sea Dog and GLakie like this

CaptainSteve

 

Current Build:   USS Constitution (Model Shipways)

 

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#11
Salty Sea Dog

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My doctor uses 2 fingers for a prostate exam to get a 2nd opinion.
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-Buck

 

Current build: AL Morgan's Whaleboat (1st build)

 

Kits in the ships locker: I cannot confirm nor deny that there may be a few kits in there...


#12
mikeaidanh

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Paddy goes for a job. The foreman asks if he knows about joists and girders. Paddy replies "Joyce wrote Ulysses but I forget what the other fellah wrote"

History does not reveal if Paddy got the job.


  • Doreltomin, Farbror Fartyg, geoff and 1 other like this

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#13
maltbyguy

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What do you get if you Google "medieval servent is missing "
Page not found
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#14
mikeaidanh

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What is yellow and dangerous?


Previous Build: LA gun deck cross section.
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Previous Build: HMS Pickle. Jotika
Current Build: Chuck's Cutter Cheerful.

Triton Cross Section.1:48


#15
mikeaidanh

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Well either no one knows or no one cares so I'll tell you......it is a shark infested custard.

Not only is this joke old it is also terrible!


  • mtaylor, Salty Sea Dog, avsjerome2003 and 4 others like this

Previous Build: LA gun deck cross section.
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Triton Cross Section.1:48


#16
neptune

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We all should be on the Stage, it left 10 minutes ago, :huh:  :huh:  :huh:


Edited by neptune, 05 November 2014 - 11:26 PM.

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#17
CaptainSteve

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There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.


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CaptainSteve

 

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#18
CaptainSteve

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A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

EDIT: Well, Derr !!!!


Edited by CaptainSteve, 09 November 2014 - 12:00 PM.

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CaptainSteve

 

Current Build:   USS Constitution (Model Shipways)

 

My BathTub:     Bounty Launch (Model Shipways)      Log:  Bounty Launch by CaptainSteve

                        Apostol Felipe (OcCre)

                        HMS Victory (Constructo)

 

Check It Out:    The Kit-Basher's Guide to The Galaxy


#19
shihawk

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  A true story .A well known Irish comedian known for his fondness of a drink went on a 2 week bender and on eventualy returning home met his rather angry looking wife waiting at the door . He looked her straight in the eye and shouted , Why the hell didn,t you pay the ransom????


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#20
geoff

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a lion hiding in a bowl of custard!?






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