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Them Old Jokes


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1214 replies to this topic

#21
Canute

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Sounds of groaning and whimpering. :rolleyes:  Sheesh, what a load of canned corn! :o

As they say in some parts of New York, Oy Vey.


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Ken

 

Started: MS Bounty Longboat,

On Hold:  Heinkel USS Choctaw paper

Down the road: Shipyard HMC Alert 1/96 paper, Mamoli Constitution Cross, MS USN Picket Boat #1

Scratchbuild: Echo Cross Section

 

Member Nautical Research Guild


#22
MrBlueJacket

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What did the salad say to the refrigerator?

 

 

 

Shut the door, I'm dressing


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#23
MrBlueJacket

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What goes 99 thump 99 thump?

 

 

A centipede with a wooden leg.

 

 

ARRRGH!


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#24
mtaylor

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Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

 

To hide in cherry trees.

 

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?   Works, doesn't it?


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Mark

"The shipwright is slow, but the wood is patient." - me


Current Build:

Licorne - 1755 from Hahn Plans (Scratch) Version 2.0

Past Builds:
Triton Cross-Section
USS Constellaton (kit bashed to 1854 Sloop of War (Gallery) Build Log
Wasa (Gallery)


Member of the Nautical Research Guild


#25
neptune

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Good one Mark, but how do Elephants get out of the cherry tree's,

 

  They wait till Autum and float down on the leaves.


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#26
Salty Sea Dog

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At the risk of offending some of these jokesters, most of them are.....well,  stinky !

 

Montani semper liberi  Happy modeling

   Crackers    :( :huh: :o

 

 

 

That's sort of the point Crackers! Surely you know a few old jokes too! :)


Edited by Salty Sea Dog, 24 November 2014 - 12:34 AM.

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-Buck

 

Current build: AL Morgan's Whaleboat (1st build)

 

Kits in the ships locker: I cannot confirm nor deny that there may be a few kits in there...


#27
jbelwood

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Sitting at the bar one remarks "Did you know that elks have sex three times a day?"

 

The other answers " Damn it, I just joined the Masons".


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#28
cwboland

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Getting back to the elephants...What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

 

Giraffes eating cherries.


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Carl
 
 
 
Completed builds: AL Bluenose II 1:75  Gallery
                              Amati Hannah SIB 1:300  Gallery
 
Current Build: Bluenose II - SIB - unknown scale

 

Future (hopeful) builds: HMS Halifax
                                     HMS General Hunter
                                     Peterboro/Canadian Canoe


#29
neptune

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Sitting at the bar one remarks "Did you know that elks have sex three times a day?"

 

The other answers " Damn it, I just joined the Masons".

 

 

  I think the way we are going we will all be joining the Morons, :D  :D  :D


Edited by neptune, 25 November 2014 - 10:12 AM.


#30
neptune

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Why do Elephants lie on their back with their feet in the air,

 

To trip up low flying birds.


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#31
CaptainSteve

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... I thought it was so their toe-nails would dry.


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CaptainSteve

 

Current Build:   USS Constitution (Model Shipways)

 

My BathTub:     Bounty Launch (Model Shipways)      Log:  Bounty Launch by CaptainSteve

                        Apostol Felipe (OcCre)

                        HMS Victory (Constructo)

 

Check It Out:    The Kit-Basher's Guide to The Galaxy


#32
testazyk

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What do you call a fish with two knees?

 

(A too-knee fish!)


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Tom

 

 

Currently bashing a Sergal Soleil Royal

Previous builds:  AL Swift, AL King of the Mississippi, Mamoli Roter Lowe, Amati Chinese Junk, Caesar, Mamoli USS Constitution, Mantua HMS Victory, Panart San Felipe


#33
Canute

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You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish!

 

Honest Cap'n, the devil made me do it! :rolleyes:


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Ken

 

Started: MS Bounty Longboat,

On Hold:  Heinkel USS Choctaw paper

Down the road: Shipyard HMC Alert 1/96 paper, Mamoli Constitution Cross, MS USN Picket Boat #1

Scratchbuild: Echo Cross Section

 

Member Nautical Research Guild


#34
mtaylor

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Ok.. nautical.

 

What's purple and lives in the ocean?   Moby Grape.


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Mark

"The shipwright is slow, but the wood is patient." - me


Current Build:

Licorne - 1755 from Hahn Plans (Scratch) Version 2.0

Past Builds:
Triton Cross-Section
USS Constellaton (kit bashed to 1854 Sloop of War (Gallery) Build Log
Wasa (Gallery)


Member of the Nautical Research Guild


#35
Chidokan

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I can't believe this is not on here yet!!  

 

Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar

 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." - "What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Well at least tell the powder monkeys to get moving!"

Hardy: "sorry sir, we are no longer allowed to employ children under the age of 16."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............... kiss me, Hardy.


Edited by Chidokan, 01 December 2014 - 08:11 PM.

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#36
mikeaidanh

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Good one Chidokan but it is not one of "them old jokes". 


Edited by mikeaidanh, 02 December 2014 - 11:17 AM.

Previous Build: LA gun deck cross section.
Previous Build: Lancia Armata. Panart 1:16
Previous Build: HMS Pickle. Jotika
Current Build: Chuck's Cutter Cheerful.

Triton Cross Section.1:48


#37
mikeaidanh

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A young new age poet dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates Saint Peter asks the poet to prove his credentials by versing about Ghandi. The young poet thinks for a bit and then says "There goes Ghandi, Aint he bandy!

St Peter is not impressed and, determined to teach our young poet the error of his ways, asks one W. Shakespeare the same question. After a mere moments thought Shakespeare says,

 

"What manner of man is this

That carries his balls in parenthesis?

 

Needless to say the young poet is now retraining as a playwrights clerk.


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Previous Build: LA gun deck cross section.
Previous Build: Lancia Armata. Panart 1:16
Previous Build: HMS Pickle. Jotika
Current Build: Chuck's Cutter Cheerful.

Triton Cross Section.1:48


#38
testazyk

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A woman goes into an art studio and looks around.  She tells the owner.  "I suppose you call this hideous thing I'm looking at 'modern art.'"

The owner says, "I'm sorry ma'am, that is a mirror."


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Tom

 

 

Currently bashing a Sergal Soleil Royal

Previous builds:  AL Swift, AL King of the Mississippi, Mamoli Roter Lowe, Amati Chinese Junk, Caesar, Mamoli USS Constitution, Mantua HMS Victory, Panart San Felipe


#39
testazyk

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Art dealer:  "You just broke a 500 year old vase"

Clumsy patron:  "Thank God.  I thought it was a new one."


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Tom

 

 

Currently bashing a Sergal Soleil Royal

Previous builds:  AL Swift, AL King of the Mississippi, Mamoli Roter Lowe, Amati Chinese Junk, Caesar, Mamoli USS Constitution, Mantua HMS Victory, Panart San Felipe


#40
shihawk

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A drunk man lying on the side of the street was asked by a policeman why he was lying there . he thoughtfully replied ,I heard that the world constantly moves around ,and i,m waiting for my house to come past !!!


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