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Them Old Jokes


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1214 replies to this topic

#41
geoff

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what sits on the sea bed shivering? A nervous wreck.     What goes brum, brum on the sea bed ? A motor pike & side carp!  I'm going for a lie down now! :D


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#42
testazyk

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A mushroom goes into a bar.  The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve your kind here."  The mushroom says, "Why, I'm a fun guy."

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?  A hop.


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Tom

 

 

Currently bashing a Sergal Soleil Royal

Previous builds:  AL Swift, AL King of the Mississippi, Mamoli Roter Lowe, Amati Chinese Junk, Caesar, Mamoli USS Constitution, Mantua HMS Victory, Panart San Felipe


#43
CaptainSteve

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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

 

Never did stormy seas nor pirates get the better of him.  He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.  However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual.  He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.  In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside.  He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

 

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.

Was it a secret treasure map ??

Was it a letter from a long lost love ??

Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

 

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters.  He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.

Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

 

                                                     Port = Left

                                                    Starboard = Right


Edited by CaptainSteve, 13 December 2014 - 03:35 AM.

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CaptainSteve

 

Current Build:   USS Constitution (Model Shipways)

 

My BathTub:     Bounty Launch (Model Shipways)      Log:  Bounty Launch by CaptainSteve

                        Apostol Felipe (OcCre)

                        HMS Victory (Constructo)

 

Check It Out:    The Kit-Basher's Guide to The Galaxy


#44
edbardet

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There is the same joke with the accounting fraternity.

 

"Debit is towards the window"

 

If you are financially challenged, it  make no sense.



#45
uss frolick

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Q: What do blondes and cow-pies have in common?

 

A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

 

(My brunette wife told me that one. She told me many other blonde jokes, but they are far too bawdy for such sensitive lads as yourselves, so don't ask.)


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#46
Chidokan

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what do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.

 

what do you call a swimmer with no arms or legs? Bob.


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#47
Chidokan

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and what do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.

 

why did the chicken cross the road? because it was stapled to the punk.



#48
GLakie

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Can't argue with Confucius!

Confucius.jpg

 

Cheers  :cheers:


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GEORGE

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#49
geoff

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two men go sea fishing on a boat, as it's a bit rough, one starts to feel unwell & calling for "Huey". Unfortunately his dentures went overboard, he was distraught. So his companion thinking he will have a laugh took his own out, attached them to his line. He turned to his companion & said "Hey look what I've just caught". The sick man took hold of them & said "They're not mine & threw them overboard!


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#50
geoff

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Hello, It's me again!   The same two men went trout fishing on a huge lake in a hired boat. They had a tremendous catch. One turned to the other & said "We'll have to come here again, but how will we know the spot? "I know we'll draw an "X" in the bottom of the boat". "Don't be stupid" said his mate "We might not get the same boat next time"!


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#51
shihawk

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Two men climding a mountain got about half way up and getting tired decided they would come back to-morrow and climb the rest of it ????


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#52
geoff

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why did the hedgehog cross the road?        To visit his flat mate!


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#53
shihawk

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A young man walked into his local bakery and said to the rather attractive assistant   ,Can i have a quicky , she looked at him calmly and said ,It,s pronounced QUICHE !!!!


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#54
pompey2

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To keep with the nautical theme

Nelson hears a shout from above.

'sail sighted, looks like the enemy'

Nelson asks his steward to fetch his Scarlet jacket.

Hardy asks why

Nelson replies that if they go into battle and he gets wounded he dosen't want the men to see his blood and lose moral.

another shout comes down.

'another five sails sighted'

Nelson asks his steward to fetch his brown trousers.


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Current build USF Confederacy - http://modelshipworl...ways-scale-164/

Previous log - HMS Victory - http://modelshipworl...raft-172/page-1

 

 


#55
GLakie

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Who ever said the Scots don't have a sense of humor.  :D

https://www.youtube....h?v=b26Ll9q77Pw 

 

Cheers and Happy New Year!  :cheers:


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GEORGE

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Don't be bound by the limits of what you already know, be unlimited by what you are willing to learn.

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#56
geoff

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of course the Scots have a sense of humour . I should know I once lived in Scotland.  Look who they had to put up with! :o :)


Edited by geoff, 30 December 2014 - 08:09 AM.

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#57
GLakie

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of course the Scots have a sense of humour . I should know I once lived in Scotland.  Look who they had to put up with! :o :)

Got some family over there in Angus and Forfar! 

 

Cheers  :cheers:


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GEORGE

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Don't be bound by the limits of what you already know, be unlimited by what you are willing to learn.

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#58
geoff

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latest news headlines. Someone has broken into the local police station & stolen the toilet. Chief inspector Bogg in a statement said "It is a mystery why someone should do this & at the moment we have nothing to go on" :o


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#59
geoff

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So a man walks into a pet shop & says to the assistant "Can I have a wasp please"? . The assistant says "Sorry sir we don't sell wasps". Well" says the man there's two in the window"!


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#60
geoff

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A man goes to his therapist & says" I,m so stressed out I don't know if I am a Coleman or an Outwell". I know what your problem is" Says the therapist "You are two  tents. (one for the campers amongst us!)


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