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THE HUMOROUS SIDE OF GOLF

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    When I was still able to golf, (one of the few sports that I was ever competitive in) I really enjoyed playing.  I was never one for hitting long drives but was always right down the middle.  My scores hovered around the middle 80's, so I was not really that great at it, but putting and approach shots were my claim to fame that allowed me to be competitive on the course.

     I really enjoyed joining up with a group of long ball hitters that would spray their shots all over the course.  They always seemed to think that I would be easy to beat because my drives and shots over 150 yards were always shorter than theirs.  But once inside 150, I could usually outshoot them all.  I averaged about 30-32 putts for a round of 18 holes.  It wasn’t that I was such a great putter, but because I could put my approach shots in really close to the flag. I always tried to be creative like Phil Mickelson around the greens.  I guess you could say that I enjoyed being the underdog and still being able to win.

    All that aside, I could always see that golf also had a humorous side.  Apparently many others feel the same way.  Does anyone else here have any golf quotes, jokes or stories?  Here is one of mine.

   

   Four of us were on a short par 3 shooting about 180 yards over a pond. For me that made it a 5 wood.  I was up last and there were several ducks swimming on the green side of the pond at the time.  Trying to get a lot on the shot, I ended up topping it and hit a low line drive.  As luck would have it there was a duck (sitting duck?:)) in the line of fire which took off with an indignant quack and loss of several feathers as I hit it off of his backside.:D  

    With that flurry of water and feathers we were all laughing so hard that we all failed to see where my ball went.  It appeared that all four of us had missed the green and while searching for them we only found three.  While looking for my ball all around the green we had failed to notice that it was just sitting on the green about 6 inches beyond the hole!:o  Sinking that putt (with an unwilling assist from a duck) gave me a birdie in more ways than one.  It was literally a birdie hole! B) 

   

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How about a few quotes from some old pros.

 

    It's the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

          Chi Chi Rodriguez

 

    Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.

          Jack Nicklaus

 

    I am not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.

           Lee Trevino

   

    The only thing I fear on a golf course is lightning.......and Ben Hogan

           Sam Snead

 

     Golf and sex are about the only two things that you can enjoy without being good at it.

           Jimmy Demaret

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Dave.

 

Got my giggle for the day thanks I needed that.

Have one, recently put my clubs on Craigslist had not been able to play for several years I loved the game, I was not competitive and improved from a hacker to a duffer. I was the opposite I only played by myself when I could and course allowed. It was down time, to get away from the phone and SAR calls. It was the only time I could totally relax except when Mrs. and I were on a trip.

 

Here's one beautiful day was playing behind a tourist foursome that was held up all just standing and talking. trying to wave me thru I walked over and said I had all day and could wait (always tried never to push those ahead of me) The problem for these gentleman a large wager was placed on each drive, closest to hole, etc. This one gentlemans ball was on the edge of a watercourse that fed a lake the problem they were arguing about he wanted to try and pop it out the others said take a stroke they were tired of waiting, a very large gator was 20 feet from the ball and just lay there. He wasn't going to move I explained to them the groundskeepers fed the thing and he thought the had food (Game and Fish moved him several times to a lake in the middle of the Island he always made his way back). Long story short he said I'm tired of waiting and going to try and pop it out. I advised gators are fast if he gets on dry land he can probably run you down within 20 feet. He grabbed a club and started to his ball I played through. All of a sudden I heard screams RUN I turned all 4 were running the gator stopped at the cart taking a bite out of the fiberglass fender. :oNever found out how the wagers turned out but the Pro put the cart near the shop with a note don't feed the gator. Gator eventually moved to Mobile Delta.

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John,

 

As someone whose grown up on the other side of the country, I don't know if I'd even be able to get out of my car if I knew there were monsters roaming around the course.

 

Alan

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16 hours ago, knightyo said:

John,

 

As someone whose grown up on the other side of the country, I don't know if I'd even be able to get out of my car if I knew there were monsters roaming around the course.

 

Alan

 I take it the monsters are NOT the players?  

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So I’m waiting for the group ahead of me to finish up at the first tee. There’s a guy lining up his shot and he’s standing on the Ladies’ Tee. As he’s about to take his backswing, the pro shop loudspeaker springs to life “would the gentleman on the Ladies’ Tee please back up to the Men’s Tee.” The guy takes no notice and start his routine all over. Just as he’s about to take his backswing, the loudspeaker starts up again “ would the gentleman on the Ladies’ Tee please back up to the Men’s Tee”. Again, the guy takes no notice and begins his routine again. Just as he’s about to take his backswing, the loudspeaker starts up again “would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee please back up to the Men’s Tee”. At this, the guy turns around and in a very loud voice yells “would the A#$%hole with the loudspeaker please shut up while I take my second shot!”

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    George was searching through the woods to find his errant shot off the 8th tee when he ran into another golfer from the adjoining fairway apparently doing the same thing.  After the two of them had been poking around in the thick underbrush for a few minutes, George yelled out, "Are you looking for a Wilson?"

    "No, I'm looking for a Jasper," the other golfer yelled back.

    "Jasper? Is that your ball?"

    "Who said anything about a ball?" the other golfer yelled back.  "Jasper is my caddie!"

 

    "How come you and Bill don't play golf together anymore?" Alice asked her husband.

    "Hah," Bill said.  "Would you want to play golf with a guy who constantly moves his ball ahead when you're not looking, and keeps shaving strokes when he's keeping score?"

    "Certainly not!" Alice replied.

    "Well, neither does Bill."

 

Maybe a little dark humor for the real golf fanatic.

    

    Frank was just finishing his coffee in the 19th-hole restaurant when his friend Ben came in.

    "Man, what took you so long out there?"  Frank demanded.  "I thought you and Jenny were going to play a quick round and were going to meet me here for lunch?"

    "Yeah, I'm sorry Frank, but on the 2nd hole Jenny had a heart attack and died."

    "Oh that's terrible! I'm so sorry to hear that Ben!"  Frank gasped,  "So what did you do?"

    "Well what else could I do?  All morning long, it was hit the ball, drag the body. Hit the ball, drag the body."

 

 

    

    

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A party of golfers notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course.

Ralph suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead."

So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.

Finally, Ralph remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved."

Bill replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

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Mark 

    That's a good one that has alot of variations.

 

How about this one.

    Alex and Barney finally finished the 18th hole, and Barney was writing down the score as they walked off the green.  "What'd you get, Alex?"

    "Another 12. That gives me 147 for the round"

    They had just reached the caddy shack when Alex asked.  "What should I leave for the caddy, Barney?"

    "How about your clubs!"

 

Or. 

    "Are you still caddying over at the club, Bob?"

    "No, they fired me."

    "How come?"

    "I couldn't learn to laugh quietly." :P

 

And finally.

    Sam walked over and put his putter back in his bag, then turned to his partner.  "Is'nt Jim out of that bunker yet?  How many strokes has he had?"

    His partner peered over the edge of the trap.  "I'd say he's had about 12 strokes and one coronary." :huh:

 

 

   

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    Two women were both hitting Titlist golf balls on the 9th hole.  Both hit their best drives of the day, but when they got to the middle of the fairway, they found that one ball was sitting pretty in the grass, while the other was half buried under a stone.  

    "I'm sure that this is my ball here," said Joan, pointing to the ball with the perfect lie.

    "No, I'm sure that that is my ball," Betty insisted and added "Your ball is over here under this stone."

    A heated argument then ensued until it was decided to get another opinion.  They called over the golf pro standing nearby to settle the issue.  After listening to their problem and briefly looking over the situation he turned to the two women.

    "Ladies, I think we can settle this very quickly.  Which one of you is playing the yellow ball?":o 

 

    Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.

                     Paul Harvey

 

    Man, I may be spending to much time on the computer and not enough in my shop! :piratetongueor4:

                      Me

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    A novice golfer named Jack, showed up for his first lesson with the club pro.

    "I am recently retired,"  said Jack, "and I've done nothing but work 12 hours a day for 7 days a week all my life.  Never took a day of vacation.  Now that I'm home all the time, my wife bought me these clubs and says that if I don't take up golf or some other hobby she's going to divorce me."

    The pro then went through the basics of the game with him and then led him out to the par four first tee.

    "Now what?" Jack asked.

    "Just take out your driver and hit the ball straight at the flag" he said.

    The novice did as he was instructed and blasted his tee shot straight and far.  The pro was too stunned to say anything as they walked down the fairway to the first green.  Jacks' ball was sitting not more than two feet from the hole.:o

    "What do I do now?" asked Jack.

    " You just putt it into the cup."

    The novice then slammed down his bag and yelled at the pro. "Now you tell me!":piratetongueor4:

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As they say I've got a million of em!

 

Try this one:  "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my husband" beamed Sally to her golf partner Jane.

                    To which Jane replied "Gee wiz Sally, what a great trade!" 

 

Or maybe:  Three golfers were approaching the first tee, when Fred says.

                 "Hey guys, let's stop by the clubhouse and pick up a fifth for our round."

                 His partners both replied. "Don't you mean a fourth?"

                 "No, a fifth" Fred says.  "I'm really thirsty."

 

    While vacationing in Door County many years ago playing golf with my brother Rico, my Brother-in-law Cliff, and his son Cory we were playing behind several slow foursomes.  Consequently we had to wait at nearly every hole for the ones ahead of us to finish their shots and move out of range, but being in no particular hurry, we didn't mind that much as we were on VACATION! 

     However, the foursome behind us was apparently not in a similar frame of mind.  Several times their balls would roll up behind us while we were waiting to hit our next shots when it was safe to do so.  My Brother-in-law is what they sometimes refer to as an A-type personality and would yell back at them to knock it off. 

    When we got to the par 4 8th hole we were waiting for the group ahead to clear the green so we could hit.  I turned slightly to tell Cliff that we were clear to hit as he couldn't see the green ahead from behind a hill.  Suddenly, I was hit on the fly in my upper leg and knocked to the ground by a golf ball fired from the group behind us on the tee that deflected toward Cliff.  He saw that and yelled "did that hit you?" 

    I heard my brother Rico yell back to him "it sure as H%*L did!"  Whereupon Cliff ran over to the ball, teed it up, and fired it right back at them!  I looked back and saw them all duck and dive away from that missile.  After that, for some reason, they all played well behind us. (like 200 yards or so)  When we finished playing, my brother ran into the clubhouse and had a short conversation with the club pro while we loaded the clubs into the car. 

    While driving out we saw the club pro meeting the group behind us on the last green having a rather heated conversation with them!  (My brother-in-law giving them an Italian salute as we drove off! I guess it's kind of a New York thing)  By the following day I had an ugly bruise about the size of a softball to show for it.

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    How about the effect of insects on your game?  When golfing at Coachmens Inn in Stoughton, WI.  (basically built on reclaimed swamp) we had to deal with mosquitoes big time.  On several holes the tee boxes were set back into the wooded areas where no breeze could get to you.  We would be OK as long as we were moving around, but as soon as you stood still or tried to set up for your drive a swarm of them would be on you instantly. (They really loved victims wearing glasses, as they would get between your face and your glasses where you couldn't swat at them.)

    Eventually we had to take our shot, but each of us would set up for our shot by kind of dancing into position, taking a swing, (no way taking any practice swings) grab your bag and run out beyond the woods where we could wait for the others to do the same.  It really caused some wayward drives!  Talk about scores ballooning!  We had a similar problem golfing in the Poconos, but the problem there was swarms of gnats who would get right in your eyes, nose, or mouth.  

    And the pros complain when some one makes any kind of noise to distract them from their shot.  I'd like to see their reaction to an assault by a swarm of bugs!  The tournaments that they golf in probably spray for bug control, so it's not something that they have to contend with. 

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    Starting to become a little depressed with things around the house just now, so need a little humor to lighten the mood.  So here goes.

 

First.

 Bob's wife cried "sometimes I think that you care more about your golf game than you do for me!"

 "Why, you don't even remember what day we got married!" 

 "You're wrong about that dear" he replied.  "It was the same day that I sank that sixty-foot putt."

 

No?  How about this then?

Jim and Jack had just finished putting out on the par five first hole, and Jim took out his pencil to record their scores.  "What did you get, Jack?" he asked.

"Six, he said.  "And you?"

"Five."

After the finishing the following hole, Jim asked for Jacks score again.

To which Jack replied "Nothin doin, Jim. It's my turn to ask first!"

 

How about mixed sports?

Mark ran into an old golfing buddy on the bus, and went went over to catch up with him as he hadn't seen him in quite awhile. 

"Sam,  where have you been lately?  I haven't seen you at the golf clubhouse in quite some time.  Are you still golfing?"

"No, I gave it up for bowling instead."  Sam said. "It's alot cheaper than golf.  Why, just last night I bowled for four hours and never even lost one ball."

 

Try this one on for size.

Mike, a novice golfer was finally talked into a round of golf at the new course in town by his neighbor Bill.  On the first hole, Mike teed up his ball, took a mighty swing, and whiffed.  Taking his stance again, Mike swung again with the same result.  After two more tries with no better results, he finally slammed his club down in disgust and went stomping back to the clubhouse.

"You can't quit now Mike," Bill called out to his receding back.  "You've got a no-hitter going."

 

Oh I give up!  Wait, how about an age appropriate one?

"How was your golf game today, dear?" Gene's wife Jenny asked.

"Well, I can still hit the ball pretty well, but with my eyesight I keep losing track of my ball." 

"But you're 75 years old, dear!"  Jenny said  "Why don't you take my brother Steve along?" 

"But he's 86 years old and doesn't even golf anymore." Gene replied.

"That's true, but he's still got perfect eyesight and could watch your ball." Jenny pointed out.

So the next day Gene teed off with his brother-in-law looking on.  He swung, hitting the ball well down the middle of the fairway.  "Did you see where it went Steve?" asked Gene.

"Yup, I sure did," Steve answered.

"Well, where is it then?" Gene replied, squinting into the distance.

"I forget" was his only reply.

 

OK, maybe not so funny :blush: for some of us, but at least I feel a little better now anyway.

Dave

 

 

 

 

  

 

    

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 With the Ryder Cup coming up now, golfing is on my mind again.  So I need to add to this topic a little with a few new entries.

 

    Jim and Sam, new to the game of golf, were put together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

    After introductions, Jim asked, "What's your handicap?" 

    Sam replied, "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer."

    "That's great!" Jim said, thinking that their chances for winning just went up.

    But then his new partner replied, "Yes, I write down all of my good scores and scratch out all of the bad ones.":wacko:

 

Here is one that I can identify with.:rolleyes:

 

    " Mike, you have a great short game," complimented his partner.

    "Too bad it's off the tee!"

 

    Brad and Pete had started the par four hole with Brad going into the rough on the right and Pete finding the rough to the left.  Brad hit first and hit a nice shot to the front of the green, but Pete was not so lucky.  His shot was poorly hit and disappeared into a very deep bunker the size of the Grand Canyon just short of the green.

    While Brad putted out, Pete disappeared down into the sand trap.  After a few minutes Brad saw Pete's ball sail up out of the trap and plop down close to the pin, where he then putted out.

    "What'd you get, Pete?" Brad asked.

    "A six," Pete replied.

    "Six!?" Brad said, unable to believe it.  " I distinctly heard you swing at least that many times while you were down there in that trap"

    "No, I only took three shots down there,"  Pete corrected.  "The other three you heard were just echoes!":omg:

Edited by BETAQDAVE
duplicate wording

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