The Ships Cat

Them Old Jokes

1,291 posts in this topic

So being a ships cat I get bored sometimes after a heavy days murdering of rodents and keeping me shipmates happy with a bit of purring and meowing.

 

Now and again I like to visit me other ship born mates and hear their stories, the goats are a bit boring but the ducks are great.

 

My old mate Quack the duck (known him a month, heard he's going in the pot) told me a great story the other day about a visit he made to a pub in old blighty London.

 

Quack the Duck walks into a pub and asks - "Got any bread mate?"

 

Barman - "No"

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Got any bread mate?

Barman - No! ... If you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the bar!

Duck - Got any nails mate?

Barman - No!

Duck - Good! 

Duck - Got any bread mate?

 

Ooops gotta go, I think the bosuns just thrown himself overboard!

 

Tell us an old joke please, I need something to share with Quack the duck before he goes.

Poor Quack.

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

 

A cowboy walks into a saloon dressed entirely in paper clothing. He's arrested for rustling.

 

A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables.

The bartender says, "Look mister, don't try to start anything in here!"

 

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve faster than light particles in here!"

A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here!"

The room temperature superconductor leaves without resistance.

 

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

 

A priest, a rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

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Why did the chicken rig the stunn'ails ??

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A Rabbi buys a new car. The Catholic priest next door buys an identical new car the following day. Then the Rabbi cuts six inches off the priest's car's exhaust pipe.

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Paddy goes for a job. The foreman asks if he knows about joists and girders. Paddy replies "Joyce wrote Ulysses but I forget what the other fellah wrote"

History does not reveal if Paddy got the job.

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A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

EDIT: Well, Derr !!!!

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  A true story .A well known Irish comedian known for his fondness of a drink went on a 2 week bender and on eventualy returning home met his rather angry looking wife waiting at the door . He looked her straight in the eye and shouted , Why the hell didn,t you pay the ransom????

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Sounds of groaning and whimpering. :rolleyes:  Sheesh, what a load of canned corn! :o

As they say in some parts of New York, Oy Vey.

CaptainSteve likes this

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Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

 

To hide in cherry trees.

 

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?   Works, doesn't it?

CaptainSteve and Padeen like this

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At the risk of offending some of these jokesters, most of them are.....well,  stinky !

 

Montani semper liberi  Happy modeling

   Crackers    :(:huh::o

 

 

 

That's sort of the point Crackers! Surely you know a few old jokes too! :)

neptune and avsjerome2003 like this

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Sitting at the bar one remarks "Did you know that elks have sex three times a day?"

 

The other answers " Damn it, I just joined the Masons".

 

 

  I think the way we are going we will all be joining the Morons, :D  :D  :D

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Why do Elephants lie on their back with their feet in the air,

 

To trip up low flying birds.

mtaylor likes this

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