The Ships Cat

Them Old Jokes

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You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish!

 

Honest Cap'n, the devil made me do it! :rolleyes:

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Ok.. nautical.

 

What's purple and lives in the ocean?   Moby Grape.

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I can't believe this is not on here yet!!  

 

Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar

 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." - "What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Well at least tell the powder monkeys to get moving!"

Hardy: "sorry sir, we are no longer allowed to employ children under the age of 16."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............... kiss me, Hardy.

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A young new age poet dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates Saint Peter asks the poet to prove his credentials by versing about Ghandi. The young poet thinks for a bit and then says "There goes Ghandi, Aint he bandy!

St Peter is not impressed and, determined to teach our young poet the error of his ways, asks one W. Shakespeare the same question. After a mere moments thought Shakespeare says,

 

"What manner of man is this

That carries his balls in parenthesis?

 

Needless to say the young poet is now retraining as a playwrights clerk.

clearway likes this

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A drunk man lying on the side of the street was asked by a policeman why he was lying there . he thoughtfully replied ,I heard that the world constantly moves around ,and i,m waiting for my house to come past !!!

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A mushroom goes into a bar.  The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve your kind here."  The mushroom says, "Why, I'm a fun guy."

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?  A hop.

JRB9019, geoff and CaptainSteve like this

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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

 

Never did stormy seas nor pirates get the better of him.  He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.  However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual.  He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.  In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside.  He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

 

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.

Was it a secret treasure map ??

Was it a letter from a long lost love ??

Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

 

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters.  He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.

Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

 

                                                     Port = Left

                                                    Starboard = Right

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There is the same joke with the accounting fraternity.

 

"Debit is towards the window"

 

If you are financially challenged, it  make no sense.

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Q: What do blondes and cow-pies have in common?

 

A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

 

(My brunette wife told me that one. She told me many other blonde jokes, but they are far too bawdy for such sensitive lads as yourselves, so don't ask.)

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and what do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.

 

why did the chicken cross the road? because it was stapled to the punk.

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two men go sea fishing on a boat, as it's a bit rough, one starts to feel unwell & calling for "Huey". Unfortunately his dentures went overboard, he was distraught. So his companion thinking he will have a laugh took his own out, attached them to his line. He turned to his companion & said "Hey look what I've just caught". The sick man took hold of them & said "They're not mine & threw them overboard!

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Hello, It's me again!   The same two men went trout fishing on a huge lake in a hired boat. They had a tremendous catch. One turned to the other & said "We'll have to come here again, but how will we know the spot? "I know we'll draw an "X" in the bottom of the boat". "Don't be stupid" said his mate "We might not get the same boat next time"!

avsjerome2003, Piet, GLakie and 1 other like this

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A young man walked into his local bakery and said to the rather attractive assistant   ,Can i have a quicky , she looked at him calmly and said ,It,s pronounced QUICHE !!!!

GLakie, Piet, mtaylor and 5 others like this

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To keep with the nautical theme

Nelson hears a shout from above.

'sail sighted, looks like the enemy'

Nelson asks his steward to fetch his Scarlet jacket.

Hardy asks why

Nelson replies that if they go into battle and he gets wounded he dosen't want the men to see his blood and lose moral.

another shout comes down.

'another five sails sighted'

Nelson asks his steward to fetch his brown trousers.

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of course the Scots have a sense of humour . I should know I once lived in Scotland.  Look who they had to put up with! :o:)

Got some family over there in Angus and Forfar! 

 

Cheers  :cheers:

geoff likes this

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latest news headlines. Someone has broken into the local police station & stolen the toilet. Chief inspector Bogg in a statement said "It is a mystery why someone should do this & at the moment we have nothing to go on" :o

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So a man walks into a pet shop & says to the assistant "Can I have a wasp please"? . The assistant says "Sorry sir we don't sell wasps". Well" says the man there's two in the window"!

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A man goes to his therapist & says" I,m so stressed out I don't know if I am a Coleman or an Outwell". I know what your problem is" Says the therapist "You are two  tents. (one for the campers amongst us!)

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