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The Ships Cat

Them Old Jokes

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I was setting in a fancy bar one night, and cut a ripper anybody would be proud of, at least a 10 in the standard scale, and this old suit pipes up and says, "Sir, I take offence to farting before my wife". Oh, I said, I didn't know it was her turn !!!

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A duck waddles into a bar, hops up on a bar stool and says to the barman, “Got any Grapes?”

 

The barman answers, “No, this is a bar; we serve drinks here.  We don’t have any grapes”.

 

The duck jumps down off the bar stool and waddles out without another word.

 

The next night the duck waddles into the bar again; jumps up on the bar stool and says, “Got any grapes?”

 

The barman says, “I told you yesterday this is a bar; we don’t have any grapes”.

 

The duck jumps down off the bar stool and waddles out without another word.

 

The third night the duck is back again.  It jumps up on the bar stool and says, “Got any grapes?”

 

This time the barman does his block.  “Listen you stupid duck, I’ve told you twice already that we don’t have any grapes.  If you come in here again asking for grapes I’ll nail your beak to the bar!”

 

The duck jumps down off the bar stool and waddles out without another word.

 

The next night the duck’s back yet again.  It hops up on the bar stool and says, “Got any Nails?”

 

The barman says, “Nails?  This is a bar.  Of course we don’t have any nails”.

 

“Got any grapes?”

 

John

Jack12477, mtaylor, GLakie and 4 others like this

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Q.   Why do ducks have flat feet?

A.    To stomp out forest fires, of course.

 

Q.  Why do elephants have flat feet?

A.   To stomp out flaming ducks.

geoff, CaptainSteve, BANYAN and 3 others like this

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Okay!  Jack's turn to get even with the bad jokes !

 

Q. What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung?

A. Guardians of the Galaxy

 

Q.  What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

A.  Cashew

 

Q. Where do skunks go to pray ?

A. The Pew .

 

Q. What does a clock do when it's hungry ?

A. It goes back four seconds

 

Q. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 ?

A  Eye-matey

 

devilish-grin-smiley-emoticon.gif

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Yep George!  Let's try to kick it up a notch ! ;)

 

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

 

 

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

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I ran into the back of a car, and a dwarf jumped out. He said "I'm not happy! NOT HAPPY!!!". I asked, "Oh, which one are you then?"

---

 

I heard that a dwarf was pickpocketed. How can anyone stoop so low. 

GLakie, Piet, BANYAN and 4 others like this

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This here tale is from Tim Samples.  You may know of him - he is really popular in these parts.  Matter of Fact, that line earlier about "how dare you do that before my wife" is right from his Saturday Night at Moody's Diner.  Wicked awesome stuff.  Anyway, here is one about Our Boy Hubert.

 

Mother and me are really proud of our boy Hubert.  Now, you got to understand about Hubert, is that you heard about folks who don't know nothing. He don't even suspect nothing.

 

Now our Boy Hubert always wanted to travel around the country, 'cause at the time we're living out in the dirt road in Palmyra. Hubert has an automobile. It's a 1960 DeSoto, and if you--that was the last year they made them cars. And if you look at that one you can see why, alright. But he headed out behind the trailer and he had it up on cinder blocks and he'd been planning for years to get this car running but never successfully, so he could make his cross country trip.

 

Well at the time, this was years ago, the only station we could get was, we could get two stations, you know Palmyra weren't cable ready, okay, in a lot more ways than one. Okay. We can always get the Bangor station, got the old movies and the Slim Whitman advertisements, the only other station and we've barely got it. It was the low power public access station from East Millinocket. And I don't know if you've seen that, but all they have for programming, they got a video camera bolted up into the corner of the ceiling of the pulp mill. It shoots down onto the floor and you get to see who's working what shift and so forth. Let me tell you something. If you don't come from that town, I don't think it's that interesting. I really don't know. I'll shut it right off after 3, 4 hours.

 

But anyway, Hubert was watching television and it was about 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and, he was watching, Hubert was watching and this ad come on and it was for the AAA Motor Club. And among the many things that they pointed out if you join the AAA Motor Club, was you pay the dues and for the entire year, if you are a member, they are obligated to tow you, alright, up to 50 miles as often as you need it all year long. He called them right out, joined, all excited. Next day he pushed the old DeSoto out in the front yard. He only had 3 wheels on it but he could get it pushed out there, got some friends, called up the AAA. They had to come, he was a member. They hooked on to the front end of that with a tow truck, pulled the bumper off, hooked on to the frame, jacked that sucker up, drove him his 50 miles. They let it off.

 

The tow truck wasn't even around the corner. Hubert called them again, they had to come back. He was a member. Alright, you could laugh all you want, but he sent us a postcard from Oklahoma, he's doing pretty good on 50 dollars, alright.

Edited by trippwj
Jack12477, mtaylor, Piet and 2 others like this

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An elderly couple decides to go to the County Fair; a helicopter pilot is offering rides for $50. Husband says to wife, "gee I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter". Wife says "but it costs $50 !" Husband says "yes, but this is something I've dream of all my life!" Wife says "but $50 is $50". So the husband relents and walks away downtrodden.

 

Next year, they go back to the Fair and the same helicopter pilot is still offering rides for $50.  Same thing again, husband wants to ride but wife objects saying "$50 is $50"  So this goes on for several more years.

 

Finally one year, they are at the Fair and again the husband wants to ride in the helicopter and wife objects. But husband counters "you know, this may be the last time I can get the chance to ride in a helicopter; after all I am getting on in years and this has always been my life long dream"

 

Helicopter pilot overhears their conversation and says "look I will take both of you up for a ride for only  $50 and if you are real good and quiet during the ride I will give you the $50 back when we land". So the wife reluctantly agrees, pays the pilot the $50 and off they go in the helicopter. And the pilot is zigging and zagging all over the sky and the couple sits in back completely silent. Finally the pilot lands the helicopter.  Looks into the back and says "wow, I can't believe you both said absolutely nothing throughout the entire ride. I will give you your $50 back" 

 

Husband responds "well I almost yelled out when she died ! But then $50 is $50 !"

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Reminds of the old golf joke...

 

The 4 friends are out playing a round of golf and on the 15th hole, they look up and funeral procession is coming down the road next to the golf course.  One of the guys takes off his hat, places it over is heart and stares in silence as the hearse goes by.  After it's passed, he puts his hat back on and hits the ball.  Once of his buddies says: "That was a very nice thing you did, taking off your hat when the hearse went by."  "Thanks.... We would have been married 50 years today so I thought it appropriate.".

 

Now where's that drummer and guy backstage with the hook....?

GLakie, Amfibius, Canute and 6 others like this

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Speaking of golf jokes,,,,,,

Phil Mickelson walks into a bar and sees Stevie Wonder having a drink.  He walks over and introduces himself and tells him what a fan he is of his music.  Stevie tells Phil he is a huge fan of his on the golf course and wishes he could improve his own game to be more competitive even if not at Phil's level of play.   Phil is floored and asks if Stevie really plays golf.  When assured that he does, Phil asks Stevie how he can possibly play being a blind person.  Stevie explains that his friend is his caddy and sets him up at the ball, then goes down the fairway and shouts so Stevie has a target.  He continues this to the green, then lies next to the hole and talks to Stevie to give him a hole location.   Phil is beyond words but does ask him how well he does.  Stevie tells him he is a 2 handicap!  Phil asks if he would like to play a round but Stevie politely declines as he only plays with friends for fun, and others for money only.  Phil say OK, I'll play for a few bucks.  Stevie says his minimum is $10,000 but he will play straight up and Phil does not have to give him any strokes.  Phil says, OK, when do you want to play.  Stevie tells Phil, pick any night you want.

 

Allan

trippwj, gjdale, _SalD_ and 7 others like this

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At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling out the entry form.

The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word. The Professor went first. The Judge said, " The final word this year is ' Timbuktu' ".  The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds. The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began, 

 

Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu
.

 

The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top that.

 

The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, " Timbuktu".

The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 10 - 15 seconds, stepped up to
the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,

 

Tim ' en me, a-hunting went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim-Buck-Two!

 

Jack12477, GLakie, Canute and 2 others like this

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Is romance dead?
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was
out of the house having coffee with a friend. 
She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

 

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