The Ships Cat

Them Old Jokes

1,289 posts in this topic

Bus driver pulls up at the bus stop and a guy with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg is stood there..............: Hi, hi, hi, you look harmless enough, hop on!!  says the driver.

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I know, no politics on MSW. But this shouldn't offend anyone. Unless you are an Elf. 

 

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(edit) blast it, the whole thing didn't load! I'll have to break it up and re-upload it. Give me a sec. 

 

(edit 2) done!!! 

reklein, mtaylor, Canute and 4 others like this

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11 hours ago, Blighty said:

Hey! I heard Toledo Zoo crossed an elephant and a rhino, when asked what they called it the spokesperson said, 'hell if I know'.

'eleph-hino' why this joke didn't get more likes!!!!

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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves shopping. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and your shopping escapades are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. .

3) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME PICK ME!’

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

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6 hours ago, geoff said:

I tried to cook an Octopus for dinner yesterday, trouble was it kept reaching out of the pan and turning the gas off !

Hi Geoff

 

Hehe. I get the joke....BUT, for some strange reason, I can't get the image of a real live occie doing just that (especially after seeing some documentaries about how smart those things are)!  

 

Sends shivers down my spine.

 

All the best!

 

Cheers

 

Patrick

 

 

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A man went to a rooftop bar for a drink. There was only one other person there, so he went and sat next to him. "What are you drinking?" Said the man. "Magic beer" . "Why is it magic beer". I'll show you. He took a sip, leaped off the roof, did a lap of the building & sat down with a smile on his face. "Wow", said the man . "let me try some". He took a sip of the mans beer and leaped off the roof. He hit the  ground with a crunch. The barman walked over to the man and said" You are a little devil when you have a drink superman". 

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