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The Ships Cat

Them Old Jokes

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Elderly woman is celebrating her 90th birthday so her friends invite her to lunch.

She arrives a little early. Bartender asks if she wants a drink. She says "sure, give me a scotch and water but only put in 2 DROPS of water".  Bartender gives her the drink.

Little while later her friends arrive and notice she is drinking.

So they ask her,  "you're having a drink? You don't normally drink !"

She replies, "well yes, I thought since it's my birthday and it's a special occasion, I decided to have a drink to celebrate"

"Well then", her friend replies,  "let us buy you a drink!"

"Ok", she says, "but make it a scotch and water and make sure you tell the bartender ONLY 2 DROPS of water"

 

So this goes on for the course of the afternoon, they bring her multiple drinks of scotch and water but with only 2 drops of water in the scotch.

 

Finally the party ends and the ladies all get up to leave. So the bartender walks over and tells the woman "in all my years of bar tending I have never had anyone ask for scotch and water with only 2 drops of water. Why only 2 drops of water?"

 

The woman replies " well sonny, even at my age I can still hold my liquor but I can't hold my water any longer"

 

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On 2/23/2017 at 4:38 PM, reklein said:

Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island ' what book would I bring?"           "How to build a boat."

                                                                                                                                             Stephen Wright

... the materials and tools to build a boat ;)

geoff, Canute, Omega1234 and 2 others like this

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When Insults Had Class...

   
  
These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
  
   
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
   
"He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr
   
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
   
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow
   
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
   
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas
   
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain
   
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde
   
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
   
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response
   
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop
   
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright
   
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb
   
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson
   
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
   
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
   
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker
   
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain
   
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West
   
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde
   
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
   
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder
   
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

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