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The Ships Cat

Them Old Jokes

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In fairness, in British English it's "maths" (not "the maths"), which is grammatically consistent with treating the word as an abbreviation. American English has plenty of oddities, too.

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You think our writing is lazy, wait'll you hear us speak. We use this "slang" that no one can understand unless your one of us. I once worked with a man from Portuguese. He said I was the only employee he could understand. I think because I show respect.

 

"nother time I was in Atlanta Ga. Hadda replace some pc's and asked a guy for his password. In his southern drawl, he says - phonetically - Wake-sun. Uh, spelll that? I get waxxin. I ask if that's a nearby town. Says no, you know, like waxing yer car.

Edited by JustBlowingInTheWind
Typo
Omega1234, geoff, Canute and 1 other like this

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A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."

gjdale, Jack12477, Canute and 8 others like this

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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."  

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16 hours ago, geoff said:

BTW he is 22 going on 11 years "Old"!

I'm 55 going on 90. I swear, if I feel like this already I'm not sure how long I'm going to want to live.

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My father-in-law is having trouble remembering his passwords. So he decided to change all of them to "INCORRECT". That way, whenever he forgets or mistypes one, the website tell him that his password is incorrect.

 

 

geoff, Omega1234, Canute and 4 others like this

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Here are a few of mine  (out of my 800 or so I made up on my hdd)

 


1)  Dont you just hate it        -   You get your Spirit Level Home and its got Bubbles  in it.

2)  "Be there in Two Shakes"     -  What if you on a diet.

3)  Going to write a book and hope it  sells      -  Someone said - cross your fingers.

4)  I have spent  the last 6 years in the Autumn in the park as I was told to turn over a New Leaf.

5)  Whats the best thing to do with a Parrot  with  Turrets     -  Put Him on  Big Brother.

6)  Went shopping with the wife and was Blown away with the price of the Hairdryers.

7)  Helium Peroxide     -  Light  Hair with Lift.

 

OC.:cheers:

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#4 New leaves in Autumn?

No wonder you couldn't turn over a new leaf, They grow new in Spring! :D

 

Endlessly helpful Lou

(I'll sneak out the back door now)

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