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The Ships Cat

Them Old Jokes

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Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, it was because I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

GLakie, Stevescan, _SalD_ and 13 others like this

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Three golfing ladies are sitting on the terrace of the nineteenth hole enjoying a post round drink when a naked man with a paper bag over his head emerges from the the bushes to one side, ambles across in front of them, waggling his appendage, then disappears around the corner of the clubhouse.

 

Horrified, one woman says to her friends "that's terrible, what's this club coming to?

 

The second woman says "obviously some members have no morals whatsoever."

 

The third woman says "and he's not even a member of the club!"

 

Cheers.

_SalD_, GLakie, Stevescan and 8 others like this

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I heared a similar version to the Purina joke. Only it was cat food & the man broke his back trying to lick his a**e !! :o

I can do that, but had to go out and buy a helmet when I kept falling off the couch.!  :D

geoff, Stevescan, Jack12477 and 1 other like this

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a man goes to the doctor & says "Every time I break wind it sounds like HONDA" ." Hmm" says the doctor, "drop you trousers & turn around" The doctor had a look & says. "I know what the problem is you've got an abscess". "How can that be" says the man. "Well" says the doctor did you know "An abscess makes the fart go HONDA"!  Sorry! :rolleyes:

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Her "Ladyship" was visiting a military hospital. She came across a soldier lying on his stomach. "And what happened to you my good man". She said in a superior manner. "Bullet up the a**e Ma'am". He said. "Hmm don't you mean ya rectum". She replied. "No ma'am just missed em" He said !

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when her "Ladyship" got to the next bed there was a screen around it. A cloud of steam appeared, followed by a loud scream. The ward sister shouted to the student nurse inside. "No nurse, I said PRICK HIS BOIL"! :o

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circle flies

 

this state trooper had stopped a fellow for speeding on the highway.  trooper goes to the car,  speaks to the guy,  gets his info,  goes to his car to check 'em out,  and then came back to write him a ticket.  as the trooper was writing the ticket, flies began to annoy him......he'd write......stop and shoo them away,  but they would return,  and he'd stop to shoo them away again.   the fellow sitting in the car,  seeing what the trooper was going through,  leaned a bit out the window and said,

 

"pretty hot out here today officer,  them circle flies seem to be bugg'in you sumthin awful."

 

the trooper looked up from writing,  shooed a fly away,  and replied,

 

"The heat's driv'in 'em out.....and what are circle flies.....anyway?  you know something about 'em?

 

the man in the car replied,

 

"oh....yea,  we sees 'em all the time.  ya see,  we live on this farm,  an'  they can get quite nasty sometimes.   normally though,  ya see 'em circl'in 'round a horse's behind........."

 

the trooper stopped him in mid sentence..........

 

"did I just hear you right??   are you call'in me a horse's butt???"

 

"oh.....no!   officer,  I would never call a man of the law a horse's butt!   why,  I have too much respect for the work you do out here!"

 

the trooper,  satisfied with the reply,  went back to writ'in the ticket............the guy in the car added....

 

"but you can't fool those flies though!"

Edited by popeye the sailor

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No Name Biker

 

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just

 

Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The

 

officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his

 

hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred

 

Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I

 

realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

 

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then

 

I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling,

 

MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out

 

about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my

 

Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Edited by GLakie
_SalD_, maso, Canute and 9 others like this

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Just when I think I've seen it all, some twisted mind comes up with something new to laugh at.
 
   I present to you the all-new Bug-A-Salt fly extermination weapon. Your ammo? Salt, combined with air-pressure can wreak havoc on flys that have landed, or in mid-air (after your skills improve).

post-12186-0-30192200-1433703113_thumb.jpg

   For those really tough-to-get-to flies, fear not. Sneak up on 'em with the new and improved Camofly 2.0, and those flies won't know what hit 'em.

post-12186-0-12713600-1433703124_thumb.jpg

   No flies? No problem!! For an extra small fee of $4.99, we can have Fuggin Maggots, the Official Bug-A-Salt maggots delivered to your door. With the right love and care these bad boys will turn into target practice in less than 1 week! Feed the inner fly hunter as you wreak havoc upon these homegrown targets! Prepare your Bug-A-Salt skills for the upcoming summer. Approximately 50 maggots per container.

post-12186-0-24201500-1433703258_thumb.jpg

 

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Awright, here's a good Ozark joke from my Arkansas inlaws. Hope this hasn't been told before.

 

Couple of Ozark boys saw an ad in the paper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day, but next morning he drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

 

The boys replied, ” Well, then just give us our money back.”

“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

“OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

“What in the world y'all gonna do with a dead mule?”

“Just bring 'im by."

 

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into these boys and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule, anyhow?”

 

“We raffled him off. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”

“My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

 “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
trippwj, _SalD_, Piet and 7 others like this

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

 

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!post-12186-0-89825000-1433785217.jpg

fnick, Canute, mtaylor and 13 others like this

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 summer's here at last(?) So, it's away with the boat for a while & out in the garden to catch up with some reading. I have got:- Bellyache by Henrietta Greenapple.  Whats That Noise by Isobelle Ringing.  Footloose in the Sahara by Mustafa Kammel.  4o years in the Saddle by Major Bumsaw . How to make Money by Robin Banks       Now where did I put my reading glasses!? :o

Edited by geoff
mtaylor, Jack12477, GLakie and 1 other like this

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A jew, a muslim and a christian arrive outside a bar and the muslim turns to his companions.

“I am sorry,” he said, “but I cannot go in. I am a devout muslim and so cannot drink.”

“Well, that’s all right,” replied the christian, “it’s the juice bar.”

The muslim smiled, then indicated their colleague.

“My religion prohibits my drinking alcohol – even if the bar does belong to our friend here.”

Edited by Stockholm tar
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summer's here at last(?) So, it's away with the boat for a while & out in the garden to catch up with some reading. I have got:- Bellyache by Henrietta Greenapple.  Whats That Noise by Isobelle Ringing.  Footloose in the Sahara by Mustafa Kammel.  4o years in the Saddle by Major Bumsaw . How to make Money by Robin Banks       Now where did I put my reading glasses!? :o

Geoff,

 

You'll also be wanting to catch up with "The Cat's Revenge" by Claude Borls. :P

geoff, GLakie, CaptainSteve and 2 others like this

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