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Them Old Jokes

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"Rusty Bed Springs" by I. P. Daley!!

 

"Spots on the Wall" by Hu Flung Dung!!

 

"Antlers in the Tree-top" by Hoo Goosed the Moose!! 

geoff, mtaylor, trippwj and 4 others like this

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the Golden Stream by I.P. Freely!

A load of Crap by Hoo Flung Dung!( sequel to Spots on the Wall)!!

This is getting dafter by the day!! :rolleyes:

Edited by geoff
GLakie, Jack12477 and Piet like this

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two prawns, one named Richard, one named Christian. One day Richard said "I am fed up of being a prawn, I want to be a shark". Just then there was a flash of light & Cod said "Your wish has been granted" & he was a shark.

Christian went & hid as he was afraid. So, Richard swam away to join the sharks, but they rejected him as he wasn't really a shark. So he asked the great Cod to turn him back into a prawn. His wish was granted & he went to find his friend. But he was still afraid. "Don't worry any more" Said Richard. You see I am a prawn again Christian.     wah, wah, waah!! :rolleyes:

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Well i am Navy!

 

 

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The Man, "That would be my wife"

 

 

 

Ummm, sound familiar?

 

Chris

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IDIOT SIGHTING.

 

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING.

 

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

 

IDIOT SIGHTING.

 

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

 

I went to a Mexican fast-food and ordered a taco.
Then I asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING.

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

IDIOT SIGHTING.

 

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

 

IDIOT SIGHTING.

 

When I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote….... :(  :(  :P  :P

Edited by GLakie
_SalD_, Piet, mtaylor and 11 others like this

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Cow economics

 

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

INVESTMENT CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One of them is a horse.

Edited by Jolley Roger

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"AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

 

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate."

 

Sounds good to me Ken. First one's on me!!   :D

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Indeed.. Happy Birthday, John.   I promise not to do it again...  ok.. this will be the last time. 

post-76-0-43248400-1436156147.gif

Edited by mtaylor
Canute, CaptainSteve, Piet and 5 others like this

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