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The Ships Cat

Them Old Jokes

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He needs a pair of those carver's gloves to reduce the bloodletting. I think they have kevlar in them. I tried cutting up a car kit once without gloves and spent hours in an ER waiting to get stitched up and given a tetanus shot. :(

Jack12477, GLakie, mtaylor and 3 others like this

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A geology professor introduces himself one morning  to his new class:

 

"Can anyone here tell me", he asks, looking around the room, "how old the earth is?"

 

While dozens of hands shoot up, an eager, smiling blonde in the back of the room catches his eye, hopping up and down in her seat and waving her arms back and forth.

 

"Yes, you Miss ..."

 

The bubbly young freshman stands up, and with great confidence, she asserts:

 

"The earth is six billion and one years old!"

 

"Yes ... I guess," replies the professor, taken aback, "you are correct, but ... how can you be so precise?" 

 

"Well," she replies triumphantly, "last year, when I first took this class, the other professor said that the earth was only six billion years old."

Edited by uss frolick
Canute, mtaylor, Piet and 5 others like this

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conversation overheard in a pub. "Do you know what mate, every time I sneeze I get an erection". "Really" said his friend "Are you taking anything for it"? "Yes" said the man "SNUFF"! :o

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OLD WOMAN IN GROCERY STORE

 

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."   :D

Piet, Stevescan, mtaylor and 7 others like this

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I guess it's time to bestow the Darwin Awards, here's a few honorable mentions:

 

1.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 6 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the robber ordered onion rings.  The clerk said those weren't available on the breakfast menu. The robber, frustrated, walked away.  [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

2. A man attempted to siphon gas from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose. He got more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gas, but he plugged his siphon hose into the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.           

 

3.  A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash and fled, leaving his $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.. $15. [if someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]      

 

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You should always try to avoid getting too friendly with your food. It just makes it that much harder to throw them in the pot!!  :D post-12186-0-66635200-1437698675.jpg

 

And remember ---- post-12186-0-07296100-1437698693_thumb.jpg

geoff, CaptainSteve, Piet and 8 others like this

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Huh!! -- Didn't know that Ken. Always thought it was an unwritten rule in the construction-worker's club. Don't worry---I'll never tell!  :P

Piet, Omega1234, Stevescan and 1 other like this

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OK George!  Your lips are sealed. Nobody but us chickens will know the rotten secret. :):cheers: The beers are on me! :o

Piet, GLakie and Stevescan like this

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why do moths fly with their legs open?

 

Have you seen the size of moth balls recently!

 

White horse walks into a bar and the barman shouts "hey they named a whiskey after you"

The horse replies "why did they call a whiskey dobbin"

 

why did the blonde stare at the bottle of juice?

it said concentrate on the label.

 

Why do women get married in white?

all domestic appliances come in white.........runs for cover!

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