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Them Old Jokes

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just bought one of those radio controlled alarm clocks. Claims to be accurate within 1 second in 10,000,000 years. Gonna have to wait a long time to see how true this is! :o

 

Wait until you read the fine print: The warranty runs out after 5 million years.

:cheers:

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A lady takes her unconscious guinea pig to the vets office to see what is wrong.  The vet inspects the animal and states the animal is dead. The lady doesn't believe him and demands another opinion.  The vet calls in a cat.  The cat looks at the guinea pig and meows at the vet. The lady still isn't happy so the vet calls in a Labrador Retriever.  The dog looks at the guinea pig and barks at the vet.  So the vet says to the lady "now do you believe me?"  So the lady says fine, how much do I owe you.  "$350.00" says the vet.  She was stunned, $350.00 to determine her guinea pig was dead.  The vet said "normally the fee is only $50 but once you add in lab tests and a cat scan, the price goes up."

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Tom had won first prize in the cat show, which was a trip on a cruise ship. The catch was, no pets were allowed. So he got his best friend Al to stay at his place and look after his cat and elderly mother while he went away on the cruise. 

 

On the first day, he rang Al.

 

Tom: How's mum? 

Al: Mum's good. 

Tom: How's the cat? 

Al: The cat's good. 

 

Tom was pleased, and he hung up. 

 

On the second day, he rang Al again. 

Tom: How's mum? 

Al: Mum's good. 

Tom: How's the cat? 

Al: The cat is dead. 

Tom: THE CAT IS DEAD?!?! That was my prize cat!!! How did it die??!?!?

Al: Uhmm, the cat was on the roof, then it slipped and fell. It broke its leg, then stumbled onto the road and was run over. 

Tom: But did you have to shock me by telling me the cat is dead?? Why couldn't you have eased my shock and broken the news to me slowly? 

Al: What do you mean? 

Tom: On the first day, you could have told me the cat was on the roof. On the second day, you could have told me it fell off. On the third day, you could tell me it broke its leg ... 

Al: Uhmmmm, OK. 

 

By now, Tom's shock had eased and he put down the phone. The next day, he called Al again: 

 

Tom: How's mum? 

Al: Uhmmmm, mum's on the roof ...

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Friends, please be careful.

 

Yesterday I went to a Christmas party.  I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots . . .

 

I still had the since to know I was over my limit. That’s when I decided to do something I had never done before: I took a cab home.

 

Sure enough there was a police road block on the way but, since it was a cab, they just waved it through.

 

I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before.  I don’t even know where I got it from and, now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.

 

Bob

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Bob and Ed were out golfing and Ed asked Bob to keep an eye on where his ball went as his eye sight was not as good as it once was.   Bob told him he was no better than Ed but his 90 year old father John still had the eye sight of an eagle!.    They ask the old gentleman to join them and he was thrilled to join in, if only to observe.    Ed hit a really good drive and asked if John saw it.  John of course did see it and told them he saw it all the way until it stopped.    They headed down the fairway about 250 yards and asked John where the ball was.  He replied, "I don't remember"  

 

Allan

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