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Them Old Jokes

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3 young men were walking and got lost. Soon it was getting dark so they sought lodging. Spotting an old farm house they approached and asked the farmer if they could spend the night. Sure he said. For $30. So they each hand the man $10 and he gives them a room to share.

 

Later he decides $30 was too much and hands his son 5 $1's and says to give they guys that money back. Kid has no idea now to divide 5 between 3 so he puts $2 in his pocket and gives each stranger $1 back. So, the strangers paid $27, there's $2 in the kids pocket for $29. Where's the other dollar?

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Justblowin, of the $27 the visitors paid, $25 went to the farmer and $2 to the kid.There is no missing dollar, just a false mathematical equivalence.

 

Don, 1/2+1/3+1/9 only equals 94% of the total horses, or just over 16. So there's really a horse that's owed to someone else (the undertaker?) that instead gets neatly divided up among the sons, who ought to get about 8.5, 5.7, and 1.9 horses each. Each son gets a bit more horse than he's really owed to avoid having butcher #16 and give away #17 (minus 6%).

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My kid was always tryin to play with the light switches and radio knobs and the TV before we had remotes. So I put a switch on the wall down where he could reach it. Just the switch. He had a good time flipping it on and off. 'Bout a month later I got a letter from a lady in Germany telling me to "cut it out"

                                                                                                                                                                       "Stephan Wright"

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a "certain gentleman" was flying from New York to Washington with his family in  Aiirforce 1. "I know, lets throw a $1000.00 bill out of the window and make someone happy". "Why not throw 10 $100.00 bills out of the window and make10 people happy" said his wife  The pilot over heared this and said to the co pilot "Lets throw him out of the window and make everyone happy!"

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A certain attorney contracted a rare brain viral infection. The attending physician sadly advised the attorney there was no course of action that could cure his disease short of a brain transplant.

Agreeing that it was better to attempt the transplant rather than die an agonizing death, the attorney was led to a room where the doctor showed him numerous jars sitting on shelves. The doctor advised that each jar held within the brains of various other persons who were so kind to donate. In one jar was Engineer brains, another Doctor brains, and another Military General's brains, and at last, one contained Attorney brains.

The Doctor advised the attorney to make a choice from the various brains. Then the Attorney noticed the Doctor brains cost $20 per ounce, the Engineer brains $15 oz., the General brains $18 oz., and the Attorney brains $275 per oz.

Outraged, the Attorney complained why the attorney brains were so much more expensive than the others?

The Doctor calmly replied, Do you realize how many Attorneys it takes to get an ounce of brains? :o  

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One day an atheist was hiking through the woods enjoying the scenes of nature thinking how wonderful it all was and how it all came together from such glorious moments of evolution and myriads of spontaneous events throughout the eons of time.

As he walked he heard a cracking sound behind him. When he turned to see, he was horrified by the sight of a huge, hungry, angry Grizzly bear. He turned back and began to run as fast as he could while the bear gave chase in hot pursuit. The atheist's feet became tangled in a tree root and down he went to the ground face first. He rolled over just in time to see the Grizzly raise his mighty paw to strike him dead when in desperation the man shouted, Oh God, no!

In the blink of an eye it seemed the whole world stood still. The mighty Grizzly stood frozen in time with his paw still raised to strike. Birds stopped singing, the wind stopped blowing and everything was thick with silence.

Just at that time, a huge booming voice sounded out from somewhere in the skies saying. "you dare to call on me, to call my holy name in hopes that I might save you after all these years of denying my existence and mocking me?"

The man answered, "well I suppose that would be very hypocritical of me, so no, but maybe perhaps you could give the bear some religion instead?"

Just then the wind began blowing again, the birds began singing, and the bear slowly started bringing his paw down until he closed one paw against the other, bowed his head, and said,

"Almighty Father, Holy God, I give you thanks for this meal I am about to receive..."

:pirate41:  

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His Daddy's name was Ferdinand, his Mama's name was Lizza

They named him after both of them and called him....................

Ferdilizza

I don't get it but...

My sister was an Adams and her husband is a Ransom. Kids appeared at Randoms.

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And Ferdilizza sounds like a northern Jersey City accent. Whataya gonna do, uh? Go ask your mudda where's da ferdilizza.Bring it and I'll show yaz what't do wit it.

 

The perfect job for waste management.

Edited by JustBlowinInTheWind

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Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island ' what book would I bring?"           "How to build a boat."

                                                                                                                                             Stephen Wright

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says,  "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have  cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says,  "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,   ‘WILL  YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "

"Only when he's been drinking."

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's suit".

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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

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Once  upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, “Will you marry me”?

The  princess said, “No”!  

And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew airplanes all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, well-endowed flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Belgium beer and forty year old single malt scotch and never heard complaining and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was unbelievably cool. And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.  

The End

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I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'

US Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Federal, State, City, & public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

 

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

 

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAMM!!!    It all suddenly came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

 

You are now as enlightened as I was.

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The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. Old man Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted recognition by having a
label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner’, on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

 

:piratetongueor4:
 

Edited by daddyrabbit1954

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A CHRISTMAS STORY

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...not a lot of people know this.

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