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Them Old Jokes

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1 hour ago, mtaylor said:

I wonder how we all managed to have friends, jobs, etc. before "smart" phones.  And no, I don't have a "smart phone"... mines just a dumb cell phone for voice calls.  I guess I'm a grumpy old man.

 I went into the store and ask for I went into the store and ask for the cheapest phone that supported OK Google. 180 bucks and voice recognition that doesn't work.

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I went out and bought a $20 "Smart" phone and pay another $10 every ninety days to buy time I rarely use. I know how to use about three of the features at best, calling, answering, and.......... I can't remember what the other one is. I do know how to charge it, but much of the time I can't find it and it has gone dead since the last time I knew where it was. Kind of hard to miss something you only feel a need to have with you once or twice a month!

 

Watching people tap tap talk each other when they are sitting across the room from one another is total insanity.

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The next time you buy a new car, you will want/need a smart phone. In particular I use an Apple I phone for it's particularly superior performance as a "Car Play" device. This software feature allows full functionality with your new car. Your map guidance system displays on the car's dash, allows hands-free use of the phone including voice activated text messaging and will even read your incoming messages for you while you drive. You get a full array of voice enabled search features, any music of your choice as long as you are subscribed to a premium service such as Amazon Prime, or Pandora, or whatever. Siri is a very smart girl,...errr, robot. 😄

Don't fool yourself, there are some very good features with today's smart phones and it ain't rocket science. 

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I have a 2009 Honda Pilot Touring with most of those features and more "Interface options" than I will ever use. Once I got most of them programmed when I first got the car I hardly ever use them. Like Mark I don't put enough miles on it to make buying a new car worth while. The last car I traded in had almost exactly 10,000 miles that I had put on it in ten years! I doubt I will be buying very many additional cars in the foreseeable future baring mechanical issues or accidents, (The reason I bought my last car).

It isn't that I can't keep up with technology, it's just that I have no need or real desire to do so outside of the areas where it is a must for relatively comfortable living. My oldest son makes a big deal about the things his Tesla will do. I try to keep it to myself and not remind him about the other cars he has in his garage that he needs to do the things his Tesla WON'T do. 

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    Three little boys were sitting around bragging about their fathers.  One said, "My dad's so fast he can shoot an arrow from his bow and get to the target before the arrow does."

    "That's nothing," the second boy said.  "My dad's so fast he can shoot a deer at five hundred yards and get to the deer before it falls."

    "So big deal," the third said.  "My dad works for the Government and gets off work at 4:30, but he's so fast he gets home by 3:45."

    

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I have a 2010 Chevy Impala with 125,000 miles. I can fill the gas tank and drive from my home to Buffalo, 350 miles distant, via NYS Thruway, arriving with a 1/4 tank of fuel left, refueling takes maybe 10 minutes, and then I am off; mileage 30-32 MPG with cruise control set to 70 MPH.   I wonder how far that Tesla can go without "refueling" and how long does it take to "refuel" the Tesla ? :D;)

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3 minutes ago, Jack12477 said:

I wonder how far that Tesla can go without "refueling" and how long does it take to "refuel" the Tesla ? :D;)

I can only partly answer that. I know that on a full charge it can make it from Roseville to Vallejo CA with a little driving around, (Call it 80- 100 +- miles) when you get there. But before going back feels he needs to find a charging station close to a restaurant so you can relax with a meal for the hour plus it takes to have enough charge to make it back home without worry! 

 

But my son is now on his second Tesla anyway. He bought a new one for his 50th birthday in June and no sooner got it home when someone plowed into it, (I guess THEY didn't have self driving on their car) the damage to his new Tesla was extensive, but because of the "Value" it was not totaled. It is now November and it is still in the shop!

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Hmm! So if he and I left my place with a full "tank of fuel", it would take him roughly 3 charging stops and maybe 3 plus hours to recharge. Making his trip to Buffalo roughly 9-10 hours versus my 5-6 hours with only 1 fuel stop after I reach Buffalo.  I'm assuming he can set the Tesla's cruise control at 70 MPH and maintain that speed between stops.  I think I will keep the Chevy Impala for another 125,000 miles 

 

Oh, forgot to mention, it also carries 5 full size humans and 5 regular size suitcases.

Edited by Jack12477

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Wireless door bells: I had 3 of them once, all Corgis, down to just 1 now. One day they all went off at once. Looked out window, saw no one at the door,  had to go outside to find out it was the gas meter reader - he walked into the yard on side with no windows. They knew he was there but I never saw or heard him walk into yard. 

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I suppose I am being a little unfair to my son and his Tesla. I have always considered it a pretty expensive car that does little more than go fast and look fancy, at least in my opinion. but that was why he bought it in the first place. I think he would be able to go further between refills on a true road trip like you lined out Jack, but I have no idea just how far. I will have to ask him when we see him in January. After all he did drive it from Pennsylvania to California when he moved out here a few years ago.

 

In all fairness, my version of his Tesla is my 2004 Mini Cooper. I bought it for no other reason than for fun. While there is no way it would out accelerate his Tesla I get a blast out of taking some corners in my area that I know of at 80+ MPH without even half trying while most other cars would be squealing tires at half that speed. Can't do it all that often or in very many places as I don't like tickets, but is is kind of fun knowing that I can. Also in my case, the Mini Cooper is kind of useless in any other role. The only way you are going to put full size people in the back seat is if you cut their legs off at the knees!:stunned: I read somewhere that the trunk on a Mini Cooper is just large enough to fit two golf bags........If you fold the back seat down! But then it also gets the most gas mileage of any of my three cars on a road trip, even at 70+ MPH. It has well under 100,000 miles though so it is pretty clear that it does not go on many road trips. It is just my toy.

 

I guess all of us own something that makes little sense to others, just because we can.

Edited by lmagna

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1 hour ago, Jack12477 said:

They knew he was there but I never saw or heard him walk into yard. 

My present doorbell is really kind of stupid and I sometimes cannot determine what he is barking at. (Luckily he is more of a licker than a barker). But years ago I had a K-9 dog that when he keyed on the door you KNEW someone you did not know was out there. He was able to tell the difference between known people and unknown people apparently from the sound of their car in some cases. I used to get a perverse enjoyment by getting a firm grip on his collar at the door and whispering "Want to get them?" to him just before opening the door. When the door opened he would lunge at them like he was going to eat them on the spot! They ALWAYS reacted, and in some cases would almost fly halfway back to the sidewalk before they stopped. I suppose I have a warped sense of humor.

 

Another thing I used to do was when working I would try and park the car where I could see it from inside the restaurant when I had lunch, which was about late dinner time for most normal people. Even though the car was clearly marked "Caution K-9", when the people saw a white Shepard laying asleep in the back they seemed to have a universal need to press their faces to the window. Anyone who knows even a little about dogs, knows that they are territorial and instinctively defend their "space," the same reason they make good doorbells. When they got that close my "sleeping" dog would bounce up with no warning and with all fangs showing suddenly appear on the other side of the window making enough noise to be heard a block away! Again the people would scatter to the far winds.

Edited by lmagna

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17 hours ago, mtaylor said:

I'm hoping I never have to buy another new car.  I have a 2008 PT Cruiser with 30,000 miles on it.  Barely have it broken in.

I still remember cars that you could do a full 3000-mile service on at home, provided you had a set of spanners and a can of SAE30 oil.

 

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2 hours ago, BETAQDAVE said:

    Three little boys were sitting around bragging about their fathers.  One said, "My dad's so fast he can shoot an arrow from his bow and get to the target before the arrow does."

    "That's nothing," the second boy said.  "My dad's so fast he can shoot a deer at five hundred yards and get to the deer before it falls."

    "So big deal," the third said.  "My dad works for the Government and gets off work at 4:30, but he's so fast he gets home by 3:45."

    

Ah.  Many years ago I worked for the UK Inland Revenue.  My policy was, if I arrived at the office late, I had to leave early to compensate...

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2 hours ago, probablynot said:

So what’s an unproductive sow?  A beefburger?

I didn't know there was any beef in Sows. Maybe "Pulled pork?" Or possibly it could be a "wardrobe failure" (As in sewing, sow) or even a weed garden.:D:blink: 

 

The people here who do not speak English well must think we are crazy with all of our assorted spellings.

Edited by lmagna

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2 hours ago, probablynot said:

I still remember cars that you could do a full 3000-mile service on at home, provided you had a set of spanners and a can of SAE30 oil.

Still can, except now it is 40,000 or 50,000 miles and synthetic SAE 10-40 and you still have to pay to get rid of the old oil. (At least where I live)

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17 minutes ago, lmagna said:

 fun

?

There is nothing fun about reading boring anecdotes on a Joke thread.

 

You guys turn multiple threads into your own chat room.

 

It's the Shore Leave section, open up specific threads purely for the usual suspects to discuss, spout, reminese whatever topic your hearts desire so people like myself can avoid.

 

I want to be able to look at specific threads that might be of interest to me based on the title instead of the pot luck it is becoming.

 

It's not a difficult concept.

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I have a theory (actually a half-dozen or so)...

 

1. When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link major metropolitan areas.

2. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

4. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

5. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body,the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

6. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

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