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Punxsutawney Phil Suicide

 

BREAKING NEWS:

 

   Punxsutawney PA (AP) - "Punxsutawney Phil" was found dead this morning at his home on Gobblers Knob. A full investigation is currently underway but all early indications point to a single self inflicted gunshot wound to the head, though police officials have not ruled out foul play. Phil has been under increasing scrutiny ever since his February 2, 2016 prediction of an early spring. The weather has showed no signs of an early spring, in fact most of the northern US is currently in the midst of snow flurries. "Punxsutawney Phil" is considered by many as the world's most famous prognosticating rodent. However his much anticipated weather predictions have missed their mark in most recent years, causing Phil to fall into a deep depression. Phil also stared in a 1993 featured film "Groundhog Day" where he played himself and two years later made a guest appearance on the "Oprah Winfrey Show". Phil is survived by his wife Phyllis and 352 children.post-12186-0-30164400-1460424073.jpg

 

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A 90 year old woman was driving a GMC Sierra 3500 diesel 4X4, huge tires, jacked up a good 6 foot just to the frame... She was pulled over by a California Highway Patrol Officer near Sacramento, Ca. on I5 going south because the tires were too wide. Looking at her license the officer saw that she was permitted to carry a concealed weapon. The officer asked her if she had any weapons in her vehicle. Yes, she said. I have a .45 Smith & Wesson with hollow points in the glove compartment, a .357 magnum in the arm rest and a .38 snub-nose in my purse.

 

The officer asked her what she afraid of. Looking him square in the eye, dead-pan expression, she replied... "Not a damn thing."

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....took me a while to figure that one out. In fact, I got a saw head initially. I'm coping alright, now, of course!

I saw that you're not on the cutting edge, but you're sharp, you'll do fine. Just stay out of the rough, when your on the course.

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a group of school children went on a visit to a farm in wet weather. When they got back they were given a note for their parents It read "in the interests of health and safety could you wash the childrens WILLIES when they get home". What it should have read was of course was "WELLIES"! I swear its a true story!!  :o

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As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls. He had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

 

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.

 

Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

 

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

 

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to remove them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

 

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

 

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

 

"That was amazing!" she said "How did you do that?" "No problem" said Joe... "I'm an ex-tractor fan..."

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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going
to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the
filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was having an affair with his wife.

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