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What is green and turns red, when you push a button ? ... A frog in a blender   😁 

 

It's amazing and worrying that I remember all those silly jokes from my schooldays in the mid-1960s to mid-1970s, but struggle with mathematical formulae and the classical languages ...

Edited by wefalck
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In the 1970s and 80s also jokes about East-Frisians were very popular in Germany. Eastern Frisia is roughly the coastal area between Bremen and The Netherlands (who have their own province Frisia). Frisian is/was a separate language, somewhere between Dutch and Middle Low German, but has virtually died out in everyday life. The Eastern Frisians were considered (at least in the jokes) a bit the like the 'Newfies' in Canada (sorry ...), rural, backward, a bit stupid and slow of comprehension. Actually, part of my ancestry comes from up there ;)  So, I gather, I am entitled to relate the jokes ... many of them are pretty much below the waterline and quite stupid.

 

The landscape of Eastern Frisia is flat, originally often marshy, wide tidal flats and characterised by the struggle between man and the sea. Many jokes refer to those characteristics:

 

Q: Why do we have tides ?

A: When the Frisians came into the land, the sea was so shocked that it ran away; now it comes back twice a day to see, whether they are still there.

 

Q: Why do East Frisian have a long and a short leg ?

A: So that they can walk better along the sea-dykes.

 

Q: What do the stripes on the sleeve of an East Frisian policeman mean ?

A: One stripe, he can read - two stripes, he can write - three stripes, he knows someone, who can both.

 

Q: Why are there no telephones in East Frisia ?

A: From Oldenburg on they use drums (Oldenburg is the last bigger town, before you get into Eastern Frisia)

 

 

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This is a true story. 

    Seventy years ago a little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

  When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5.000 for the best slogan.  The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'  she thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms.  I can do this!  She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.  A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am, The President of Carnation Milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"  He did, however, have one printed up to hang in his office wall.

    Here is the poster.

 

1391348393_CarnationMilk.jpeg.6915fe5cf8955c2556047ee2c300d17f.jpeg

 

Apparently they thought it a tad bit racy for the 40's.  (Perhaps it still is.)

 
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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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I don't think that this has been posted before, so....
 
The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ***, didn't it?' ;

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
 
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BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there...” and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She did a quick glance toward the man’s table, noticed he was short and not particularly handsome or well dressed.  She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man composed one of his own in return.  He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:   “You will be pleased to know that besides my Mercedes CL600, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;  I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .  I have over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, regarding your final stipulation, I’m sorry to report that, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.”

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but

I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too."

And then the fight started...

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