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A man was riding his Harley along Highway 1 in Vancouver when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Vancouver Island so I can ride over anytime I want.'

 

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.

 

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

 

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”

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On 2/6/2021 at 10:20 PM, BETAQDAVE said:

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

I’d have asked the audience.

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1 minute ago, NRG OFFICE MANAGER said:

This squirrel has been posted 3 or 4 times now, but I love him every time I see him!

That's because most of us being older seem to forget what we've seen or what we posted.   I find myself guilty of that but then we....  Rats, I just forgot what I'm saying....  <walks away muttering>.

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12 hours ago, Louie da fly said:

it almost got put in "Birds of Australia", but I've already derailed that thread at least once, so

Looks more like "Predators of America."

I saw one strolling through my yard two nights ago and based on the look he gave me I think I'm lucky he didn't have a machine gun!  He didn't seem fazed at all that I was standing less than 15 feet away watching him. Didn't change direction or speed at all, just gave me a "Don't even think of it" look. It is fairly common in my area to have them come in the house using a doggy door and eat all of the pet food. A neighbor of mine has a bush outside her living room window and a couple of months ago her dogs went crazy in the early morning and would not stop.  She went to the window and this was what she saw! Scared her half to death at first but she recovered and got this picture:

7a3b0515f7e8d611b0d2e9f987af3e79.jpeg

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My job search (Thanks to Bill Maxwell for providing these!)

1.  My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned  Couldn't concentrate .

2.  Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe .

3.  After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4.  Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5.  Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6.  Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.

7.  My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found  I wasn't noteworthy.

8.  I studied a long time to become a Doctor,  but didn't have any patience

9.  Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.  Tried hard but just didn't fit in. 

10.  I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11.  Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13.  After many years of trying to find steady work , I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14.  My last job was working in Starbucks,  but had to quit because it was always the same old grind. 
15  SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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An elephant is walking along a narrow jungle trail - walking, walking, walking, pushing aside trees and undergrowth.

 

Suddenly he comes to a complete stop. In the middle of the trail stands a tiny tiny mouse.

 

The elephant looks down at the mouse. The mouse looks up at the elephant. The elephant looks down at the mouse. The mouse looks up at the elephant.

 

The elephant looks down at the mouse, and says in a deep voice:

 

"Why is it that I'm SO-O-O-O big and you're SO-O-O-O small?"

 

The tiny tiny mouse squints up at the elephant and says in a tiny tiny voice:

 

"I've been sick."

Edited by Louie da fly
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