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8 hours ago, Cathead said:

As a pedantic bird-watcher, I'd like to note that that's a recognizable rendering of a Pileated Woodpecker, but the hole is wrong. Pileateds tend to make squared-off holes, not round ones.

...yes, but you didn't spot that it's sub-species Spheroides, which tends more towards rounded holes.

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One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a Golf Course too?"
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An old-timer's friends get together and organize a spectacular birthday party for him; everything, including the naked dancing woman who jumps out of the cake.  After her performance she jumps in the old-timer's lap and says, "Honey, I'm here to give you super sex!".  The old-timer pauses for a moment then feebly replies, "I'll take the soup". 

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Posted (edited)
On 5/10/2021 at 10:31 AM, Old Collingwood said:

Tommy was out walking with his lad in the woods when all of a sudden  the lad sees a dear  wearing an eye patch  he  says to Tommy  "What's that"?    -  Tommy replies  - "No idea".

 

They walked a bit further and saw a deer with no eyes and no legs.

 

"What's that?"

 

"Still no idea"

 

There's a further extension of this joke, but it's a bit rude.

 

Steven

 

 

Edited by Louie da fly
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    We are in the process of doing some work on the homestead lately, so haven't had much time for doing much more than following the forum and putting my two cents in whenever I have any.   We are replacing the majority of our carpeting, as the wheelchair has been causing major waves in it.  Feels like going uphill all the time.  Think of it as surfing on carpet which bunches up in front of you as you roll along.  So, long story short, the carpet needs to be glued down rather than tacked and stretched.

      I still prefer using the manual chair because of its maneuverability, but it's much harder on my shoulders and I feel like I'm moving at the shuffling gait ("I'm a'hurry'n") of the Tim Conway character Duane Toddleberry (aka "The Oldest Man") on the Carol Burnett Show!  😁

      My office carpet also needs to be removed for some vinyl plank flooring which has additional problems of its own because of the adhesive that is needed for it.   It will not work with the particleboard underlayment, so the existing needs to be replaced with plywood.  Not to mention that my office has a semi-built-in countertop supported on a wall ledger and adjustable 1-½” plywood legs.  The countertop has to remain in place, but the legs need to be removed.  While the wall ledger will support the majority of the weight, the diagonal corner will need some type of support beam for the front edge.   I have a friend who’s a cabinet maker that will help me with that problem.

      Meanwhile everything that’s below the countertop needs to be stashed somewhere else for the work to be done, and of course that has been quite a chore for me while in a wheelchair.  We also have five closets that needed the bottom shelves removed and the floors cleared of lots of that stuff to temporarily relocate. 

     To make matters worse the actual installation will take three days and the fumes from the adhesives while curing are quite harmful to our bird.  So the admiral will need to take him to our place up north for a while and leave me here to supervise the work and air the house out for him.

     So, puzzles and modeling will have to be put on hold for a while.

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14 minutes ago, BETAQDAVE said:

    We are in the process of doing some work on the homestead lately, so haven't had much time for doing much more than following the forum and putting my two cents in whenever I have any.   We are replacing the majority of our carpeting, as the wheelchair has been causing major waves in it.  Feels like going uphill all the time.  Think of it as surfing on carpet which bunches up in front of you as you roll along.  So, long story short, the carpet needs to be glued down rather than tacked and stretched.

      I still prefer using the manual chair because of its maneuverability, but it's much harder on my shoulders and I feel like I'm moving at the shuffling gait ("I'm a'hurry'n") of the Tim Conway character Duane Toddleberry (aka "The Oldest Man") on the Carol Burnett Show!  😁

      My office carpet also needs to be removed for some vinyl plank flooring which has additional problems of its own because of the adhesive that is needed for it.   It will not work with the particleboard underlayment, so the existing needs to be replaced with plywood.  Not to mention that my office has a semi-built-in countertop supported on a wall ledger and adjustable 1-½” plywood legs.  The countertop has to remain in place, but the legs need to be removed.  While the wall ledger will support the majority of the weight, the diagonal corner will need some type of support beam for the front edge.   I have a friend who’s a cabinet maker that will help me with that problem.

      Meanwhile everything that’s below the countertop needs to be stashed somewhere else for the work to be done, and of course that has been quite a chore for me while in a wheelchair.  We also have five closets that needed the bottom shelves removed and the floors cleared of lots of that stuff to temporarily relocate. 

     To make matters worse the actual installation will take three days and the fumes from the adhesives while curing are quite harmful to our bird.  So the admiral will need to take him to our place up north for a while and leave me here to supervise the work and air the house out for him.

     So, puzzles and modeling will have to be put on hold for a while.

That's interesting, we have luxury vinyl planking as well, and the instructions said not to glue it because it was a floating floor.

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