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Them Old Jokes

The Ships Cat

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Reminds me of the two motorcyclists that meet in heaven and one asks the other: how did it happen to you ?


The other responds: I was driving down a dark tunnel and saw to lights coming on. I then thought 'two more more motorcyclists :)  - let's pass in the middle' - but it was one of those damn lorries ...




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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.  Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,  and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,

"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.  Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.  This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller


We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

-Phyllis Diller


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24 minutes ago, NRG OFFICE MANAGER said:

I'm seeing double tonight.  Mark and Ron must get the same ideas!

10 years ago when I built my entertainment center I put a not in it saying, "I killed the mouthy little snots and buried them in the garage." Thing is, I used ti have an auto lift in there so the cement is raised in 2 spots.

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