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Them Old Jokes

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An old man was out fishing one day when he heard a voice say " Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful woman"

Looking around the old guy spots a frog on the creek bank.  Picking it up, he puts the frog into his shirt pocket.

and again, the frog says. "Didn't you hear me? Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful woman, who will do your every bidding"

The  old fellow looks at the frog and says. " at my age, I would rather have a talking frog."

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 A man was getting a haircut in a barber shop when a young boy walks in.  The barber tells the customer, "this is the dumbest kid in the world"  The customer asks how he knows this.  The barber says "Watch this, I'll prove it to you, I have done this 10 times with this kid and he just never learns"

 

The barber gets two quarters and a dollar out of the till and holds the dollar in one hand and the quarters in the other and shows the boy.  He asks, which one he would rather have.  The boy takes the two quarters and leaves the shop.

 

The customer leaves a little while later and sees the boy coming out of an ice cream parlor licking an ice cream cone.  He calls the boy over and asks why he chose the two quarters over the dollar.  The boy replies, "The day I take the dollar, the game is over."

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And a guy said to God, is it true that a billion years to me is like a second to you?

God replies, yes, that is true.

 

The man then asks if it is true that a billion dollars is like a penny to God.

God replies that yes, that is true

 

The man asks, "God can you give me one of your pennies?"

 

God replies, "Sure, just a second."

Edited by allanyed

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Had a visitor round the other day. I told him to make himself at home whilst I made some refreshments. When I came back into the room , he said "those peanuts were nice". "Should be" I said, "It took granddad all morning to suck the chocolate off them"! :o

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Father Murphy walks into a bar in Donegal and takes in the scene or a moment.  He comes up to a man and asks "Son, do you want to go to heaven?"  and the man of course replies yes.  "Good, now please stand over there by the wall" replies the priest.   He then walks up to a second man and asks "Do you want to go to heaven?" and the man replies yes, father, I do.  "Good, no go stand against the wall with our friend."   He does this with several more men then comes up to Paddy O'Toole and asks if he wants to go to heaven.  Paddy immediately replies "No father, I don't"   The priest is shocked and says "Paddy, I can't believe this, you mean to tell me when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"   Paddy replies, "OH, you mean when I die,  I thought you were gathering a group to go now"

Edited by allanyed

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An old man lay dying in the hospital.   In came his 5 children, dressed in their finest and bearing a vase of flowers that had seen better times.   The old man, looked at them, looked at the flowers.. and motioned them closer.   "You may not know this," he gasped, "but your mother and I were never married.".   "My gawd," said the oldest, "That makes us bastards.".   "Yes," said the old man."And cheap ones at that."

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A guy hears a knock on the front door of his house.  He goes to the door and there is no one there, just a snail stuck on the bottom of the door.  The man pulls the snail off the door and throws it as far as he can into the woods by his house.

 

Three years later the man hears a knock at the door.  He opens it and there's the same snail.  The snail asks, "What the heck was that all about"?

Edited by allanyed

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Three men were stranded on a small desert island for a long time.  In one of their many explorations, one of them finds an old oil lamp.  In rubbing it to clean it up, sure enough, a genie appears and tells the three men she will grant each one a wish.  The first man says I just want to off this island and in my home with my family.  Poof, he gets his wish.  The second man has the same wish and, poof, he is back to his home.  The third man stops and thinks and says, gee, I miss my two friends already, I wish they were here.

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Great Tofu Recipe --->

 

Put tofu in garbage bag

Grill big juicy steak

Eat steak

 

 

If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed I'd have $6.29 

Edited by allanyed

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 In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fricking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull---- stories.    :cheers:
  :D  :D  :D 
   Keep Smiling!
Edited by Ulises Victoria

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