Favorite old timer quotes

[Spaceman Spiff]

Yesterday we had in interesting conversation in the office concerning the things old timers say. So naturally, it got me to thinking... Time for a new thread!

 

My Grandfather was a funny, funny man. He would have the best one-liners, sayings, or whatever. I don't remember all that much though because he passed away around 15 years ago. I sure do miss him. Anyway, there was this time I was helping him fix a part on his tractor and I wasn't exactly holding the part still as he was working... he stopped and looked at me and said "You shake like a dog sh***ing in a briar patch." It was a good five minutes before I could compose myself enough for us to go on.

 

Everytime he would think I was BSing him, he would always say "Don't pee (insert proper word) on my leg and tell me its raining." I wish I had written down some of his stuff.

 

I remember an old Master Chief who would always say "F*** 'em all but six so they can be your pallbearers." Sailors tend talk salty, you know... That guy was funny! He once told this E4 (she looked like she was sick) that she looked like death eating a cookie. I guess you just had to be there...

 

I love hearing the stuff that old timers would say. Anyone got anything to add?

[Canute]

Something like describing a dumb-s**t as "A few fries short of a Happy Meal"?

[mtaylor]

Something like describing a dumb-s**t as "A few fries short of a Happy Meal"?

 

I'll add to that:

 

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

 

and my favorite:  Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

[reklein]

His elevator don't go all the way to the top.

[jud]

Rolled tight and put away wet.

[davyboy]

Here are a couple from the UK from some years ago,

 

" He/She is tuppence short of a shilling".

 

"He/She is a few bricks short of a load".

 

Dave 

[cwboland]

He/she can't organize a one man (woman) race to an outhouse

[Jack12477]

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with the hives

 

or

 

Busier than a one-legged man in an *** kicking contest

 

A blind man on a fast horse will never  see it [the mistake]

Edited February 7, 2015 by Jack12477

[Per]

up s**t creek without a paddle

lot of noise for no wool, said the woman shearing the pig

the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top

the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

not the sharpest knife in the drawer

the light is on, but nobody is home

he doesn’t have all the horses in the stable

 

 

Per

[Per]

Oh, and a sturdy fellow being built like a brick s**thouse.

 

Per

[twintrow]

My Dad had too many to remember here are a few:

I don't understand all that I know about this

Cut the damn board twice and she is still too short

Nothing is impossible for the guy that doesn't have to do it !

Everything you do is at the sacrifice of something else.  (He would say that when I complained about not having enough time.)

We were downtown one day and a particularly unpleasant and over weight lady walked by, he said you know God made a woman for every man, be thankful he didn't make that one for you!

Tom

[old salt]

Oh Boy, love witticism, and clichés,

Here goes:

*"I finally got it all together but forgot where I put it."

 

*"Just when I learned the answers they changed the questions"

 

*"Wouldn't  know the his A** from a hole in the ground if someone turned him inside out and showed him."

 

        Some of my old German grandmother's favorite,

" the more you wrestle an T**d the more you get mit S**t."

 

*so dumb he couldn't poor P**s out of a boot with the directions on the heel."

 

* "Useless as T*ts on a boar hog."

 

* And, for a poor shot with a gun,

 "Couldn't hit the broadside of a barn if he was inside shooting out."

 

        Some old Cowboy witticisms

* "Dumber than a box of rocks"

*  "Rode hard and put away wet."

* " Time to P**s on the fire and call the dog" (time to leave)

 

There are a lot more,  Please keep "em coming.

[old salt]

Here's another,

"he's so bright they have to put a tub over him so the sun can shine"

[mtaylor]

Here's another,

"he's so bright they have to put a tub over him so the sun can shine"

 

Or "he's so bright that his mother calls him 'son' ".

[old salt]

Or:

"Colder than a well diggers A*s in Alaska"

or

"Colder than a Witches T*t is a snow bank"

[trippwj]

you've heard about people who don't know anything? Well, he's so numb he don't even suspect nothing.

[reklein]

20 lbs of dough make a big biscuit....... Overkill

 

Does a bear s**** in the woods?..........Affirmative

[fnick]

A world war 1 French general used to say fairly frequently:

 

"Those who disagree with me will always have a place between my ar*e and my chair"

 

and something completely different, as one of my ex-colleagues use to say:

 

"An error occured between the keyboard and the chair"

 

Enjoy!

 

Nick

[mtaylor]

We use to use this for pilots who didn't get it right:   They have short between the earpieces in their headset.

[Jack12477]

"cop a squat"  for "come and sit down"

[fletch944t]

Favorites from my grandfather:

 

     1) The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

 

     2) The only fair fight is the fight I win.

 

     3) Just because there's a ring on the finger doesn't necessarily mean there's a lock on the p****.

 

The submariner's creed taught to me by a Senior Chief Mechanic:

 

We're lovers, were fighters, we're submarine riders.

We smoke, joke, chew rope,

Dance, prance, romance,

F***, suck, run amuck.

No muff too tough, no thigh too high.

Do it hog style, dog style, any old style.

Even your style sweetheart.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Captain Silver Beard Jones

[channell]

Man, makes me miss my grandparents... I can still hear their voices in my head...

 

I'm tired... if I was any more tired, I'd be retired!

 

I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China!

 

Don't get fresh with me, mister!

[fletch944t]

We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, have done so much with so little for so long, we can now do everything with nothing.

 

If you don't listen to me, I'm gonna' wear out two sets of knee caps kicking your ***.

 

I'm so broke, I can't pay attention.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Captain Silver Beard Jones

[Jack12477]

Definition of a camel "an elephant designed by a committee"

 

Definition of a committee " a group of the unwilling, appointed by the unknowing, to do the unnecessary"

[CaptainSteve]

Back when I was a lad, we used to walk 10 hours every day to get to the stop just to catch the bus to school. And then, after school, it was another 10 hour walk home before chopping the wood to cook dinner.

 

O'course, when I turned six ...

Edited February 15, 2015 by CaptainSteve

[Canute]

Gee whiz, you did?

 

I walked to school through 2 feet of snow every winter, going up hill both ways!

[popeye2sea]

Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.

[mtaylor]

Bed?  Graves?  Acid?  You had a bed, a grave, and acid?    :D    

[Canute]

Yeah, that's the ticket.

[old salt]

Keep 'em coming

Describing someone with really tight pants.

  "If they had a nickel in their pocket, you tell if it was heads or tails"

 

or

 

Describing a slice of Ham or sandwich meat.

  " sliced so thin, you can see both sides from the front"

 

Bald man,

  "chrome dome"