Tools described

[bruce d]

PILLAR DRILL : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

 

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

MOLE GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for  setting on fire various flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

 

HYDRAULIC JACK : Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most people  to cut good metal sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to  butcher Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR: See Screwdriver

 

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

 

STANLEY  KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of parcels delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench".  Commonly used as one size fits all, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers.  Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in injury ,swearing and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

 

BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling  BASTARD at the top of your voice . It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[EricWilliamMarshall]

19 minutes ago, bruce d said:

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER

Also doubles a chisel - see also tools used convert small project to large.

[mtaylor]

Add:   Sumbitch...  the tool in your hand that gets tossed across the room in frustration.

[druxey]

You forgot to mention:

 

ALLEN KEY: Is always a metric size when you require duodecimal or vice versa.  Either variety is effective at converting hexagonal recesses into round ones.

 

RAZOR SAW: Is neither a razor nor, usually, a saw.

 

DISPOSABLE BLADE: Definitely.

 

ROBERTSON SCREWS: Those weird Canadian screws with square recesses that use screwdrivers which actually work. Oh, well. Too bad, America.

 

I'm sure that there are others.

[John Cheevers]

The Thing-a-Ma-Jig: The tool that you are pointing to that no one else can see.

Edited November 1, 2021 by John Cheevers

[BANYAN]

3 hours ago, EricWilliamMarshall said:

3 hours ago, bruce d said:

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER

Also doubles a chisel - see also tools used convert small project to large.

 

Perhaps the most useful - also  paint lid opener, weeding tool, paint and rust scraper...  but most importantly, for punching holes in the top of a beer can when the ring-tab parts! 🥳

 

cheers

 

Pat

[druxey]

Spoken like a true Aussie, Pat!

[mtaylor]

Torx wrenches and sockets...  a real vocabulary builder as they made several different types.  All six pointed but the newer had "rounded" corners.  Probably the Apple of it's day.

[Laggard]

“BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.”

 

LMAO.
 

 Also capable of turning a mast into a toothpick in the time it takes you to tell the dog to shut the hell up!

Edited November 2, 2021 by Laggard

[mtaylor]

Belt sanders are great for making sawdust quickly.  Many of us use a lot of it for "filler" on our models.  

[EricWilliamMarshall]

On 11/2/2021 at 4:50 PM, mtaylor said:

Belt sanders are great for making sawdust quickly.  Many of us use a lot of it for "filler" on our models

And the belt sander can be used to create the need for the ‘filler’! See self fulfilling prophecy, tool use/misuse.

[mtaylor]

3 hours ago, EricWilliamMarshall said:

And the belt sander can be used to create the need for the ‘filler’! See self fulfilling prophecy, tool use/misuse.

True on both points.  It does depend on the size and speed of the belt and how heavy of a "touch" one has.

[RegAuthority]

To add to Hammer

also known as a  “Brummie screwdriver”when used  to hit a screw into submission when it refuses to bite into the wood/metal.  Great creator of blood blisters in the frustrated user.

 

Swarfega when you want to bathe in metal shavings

 

Grinder, motorised, because we all need tools that are only 2 inches long

[Louie da fly]

scalpel  - A tool designed to exert uneven torque as you're carving something delicate so the blade will snap in half at the most inopportune moment and slice off large portions of finger/thumb.

craft knife  - a tool designed to unwind just as you're carving something delicate so the blade will fall out and slice off large portions of finger/thumb.

Angle grinder - A tool designed to cut through its own power cord.

Sharpening stone - a tool designed to make a blunt tool into a very blunt tool.

Lathe - a tool designed to fling chisels across the workshop.

 

Steven

[Louie da fly]

TWEEZERS - a tool to hold a tiny intricate item it's taken you hours to make, and flick it into another dimension, from which it returns just as you finish making its replacement.

SANDPAPER - A substance for abrading holes in planking.

SCROLL SAW - a device for sawing the wrong side of a line.

COPING SAW - a tool for cutting a wavy track both sides of a line.

[thibaultron]

Metal Lathe - 1. A device for throwing chuck keys at your face.

                          2. A device for throwing large semi round workpieces at your body, because you forgot to completely tighten the chuck (reason chuck key was still in the chuck).

                         3.  A device with a lot of heavy chucks that fall on your feet, during changing.

[Laggard]

Knee Pads - used for protection as you crawl around on the floor looking for the 2 mm block you just dropped. 

 

Broom - a household cleaning device only used when trying to find and sweep up the 2 mm block you just dropped and couldn’t find after 15 minutes on your hands and knees.  

[mtaylor]

1 hour ago, Laggard said:

Knee Pads - used for protection as you crawl around on the floor looking for the 2 mm block you just dropped. 

 

Broom - a household cleaning device only used when trying to find and sweep up the 2 mm block you just dropped and couldn’t find after 15 minutes on your hands and knees.  

I opt for the vacuum cleaner.... you get a nice sound effect when the block is found.  Digging it out the bag is another story.

[Bob Fraser]

On 11/11/2021 at 2:07 AM, thibaultron said:

Metal Lathe - 1. A device for throwing chuck keys at your face.

Don't know about a chuck key, but a tutor I had at college, many years (46) ago, had a large dent in his forehead where a piece of skull had been removed.

This was the result of a broken piece of lathe flying off and hitting him. Not his fault, but certainly a learning experience for his pupils! (Although strangely NOT an engineering course)

[GAStan]

Pipe wrench-for the Coup de Grâce on that bolt after you gave up on the Crescent Wrench and pliers.

 

Drill press-launching chuck key (see lathe) and grabbing that piece of metal you're drilling turning it into a spinning blade of great pain.

[EricWilliamMarshall]

Complete set of tools - 1. An oxymoron designed to sell half the needed tools, all of which are half the quality needed to be useful.

 

 

I see ‘complete set of tools’ advertised everywhere and rarely do they ever measure up.

Edited December 1, 2021 by EricWilliamMarshall

[EricWilliamMarshall]

On 11/10/2021 at 5:50 PM, Louie da fly said:

TWEEZERS - a tool to hold a tiny intricate item it's taken you hours to make, and flick it into another dimension, from which it returns just as you finish making its replacement.

Airbrush - a tool to move a tiny intricate item it's taken you hours to make, and flick it into another dimension and not have it return just as you finish making its replacement. Also, same effect on multiple items at once thus increasing efficiency. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by EricWilliamMarshall

[EricWilliamMarshall]

Table Saw - storage area. Also device for lowering the maximum number you can count up to on your fingers.
 

On 11/10/2021 at 9:07 PM, thibaultron said:

Metal Lathe - 1. A device for throwing chuck keys at your face.

                          2. A device for throwing large semi round workpieces at your body, because you forgot to completely tighten the chuck (reason chuck key was still in the chuck).

                         3.  A device with a lot of heavy chucks that fall on your feet, during changing.

See also Drill Press. 
Circular Saw - Similar to table saw but without the storage. Also used to cut saw horses.

Ruler - a device used to determine the correct length, if it was only a couple of inches longer. 

Jig saw - a device used to bend jig saw blades

Clamp - a device used to leave permanent marks on a piece of work indicating the use of clamps.

[druxey]

I might suggest an expanded definition for a ruler:

 

RULER: A blameable device for measuring twice, cutting once, then finding the piece too short .

[Tim Holt]

Work Space Carpet - A place to securely store small blocks, fittings, and other items dropped on the floor by accident.

[mtaylor]

1 hour ago, Tim Holt said:

Work Space Carpet - A place to securely store small blocks, fittings, and other items dropped on the floor by accident.

More truth to that then probably most of us want to hear.

[Tim Holt]

Tweezers - A small handheld device designed to launch small ship model parts suddenly to where the hell who knows where.  See also Work Space Carpet.

Edited December 3, 2021 by Tim Holt

[thibaultron]

Years ago I worked in a computer lab, with a raised floor with removable 2X2 foot "Tiles". You lifted the tiles to run cabling underneath the floor. The tiles had blue carpet squares glued on top. Over the years many carpet squares came loose, making the floor look bad. Our boss convinced the company to replaced them. They choose a multi colored earth tone "Where the h..l did did that part go!" pattern for the new carpet squares! After they finished we and the boss wished we had just kept quite about the floor!

[Louie da fly]

[Ian_Grant]

The Real Purpose of Household Tools

 

DRILL PRESS

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting your freshly-painted project which you had carefully placed in the corner of the room where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****!".

 

SKIL-SAW

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used to create blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major renovation jobs.

 

HACKSAW

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle - it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove the bearing race.

TABLE SAW

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under your bumper.

 

BAND SAW

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILIPS SCREWDRIVER

Normally used for stabbing the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, for stripping out philips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, or for butchering your palms.

PRY BAR

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the part we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts.

 

 

SON OF A BITCH TOOL

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son Of A BItch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Edited December 17, 2021 by Ian_Grant
sp